Far From Joy » Ellie Goulding [au]

Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

July 22nd 2013

•Ellie's Point of View•

"You wanna know what?!" I replied after I had nearly choked to death on my own saliva

"Why did you give me up? I guess it's quite personal and all but I don't believe I can go without knowing why you didn't want me." Taylor said once again twiddling her thumbs.

I swallowed my saliva before thinking about a good way to explain it, I didn't want to make myself look like the bad guy, yet I knew there was no possible way I was looking like the good guy.

"Well- um, my mum came by the hospital the day before my birthday, She came in with a frown, One I can remember like it was yesterday. I had asked her what was wrong and she explained everything I didn't want to hear, every new mothers worst fear coming to life, She told me if I wanted to continue on my music career, obviously I wouldn't be able to take care of you and manage a career that needed as much attention as a baby does, I remember crying, crying really hard after she told me the eight words I didn't want hear. 'You need to put her up for adoption.' I remember refusing at first, then after she had left, I did come to terms with it, to get enough money to provide for even just myself seemed like a struggle, I couldn't continue working three jobs, that wasn't going to happen. Even I needed my music career, I hadn't dropped out of uni for nothing. As much as putting you up for adoption hurt me, after I got pictures of you every year around our birthdays, I realized the life Darian and Mark were giving you was one I wouldn't of been able to afford to give you, literally. The life they were giving you made me feel a bit better but seeing these pictures of you growing up without knowing who I was to you, that made the pain come back just as it had when I had signed the papers to give you up, When I had signed the papers and booked a flight back home, you literally went from a Goulding to a Phillips before I even got on the plane home. Trust me daring, I wanted you, never in a million years would I of wanted to give you up, I realized it wouldn't of been fair for me to be selfish and keep you while I had basically no money, I wanted you to have a good life, The good life was one I knew I wouldn't of been able to provide for you. when people say it's hard to be single parents I don't even think about questioning them, Before I gave you up I thought really hard for a day, could I do it? since your dad had left me in the dust, moved to a different continent and everything, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, as much as I wanted to believe I could do it, I knew I wouldn't be able to." I stopped knowing I had gone in far too much detail for Taylor to even begin to comprehend and take in, I knew I wouldn't of been able to take all that in if I was in her shoes.

"So you wanted me but you still gave me up because you didn't want to be selfish?" she asked looking me in the eyes

"Don't you think it would've been selfish of myself if I was to keep you but not have any money to afford for barely anything, I could barely afford rent and food for myself, never mind everyday child necessities. Darian and Mark gave you a good life up to now, didn't they?" I ended my statement with a question more important to me then the one she had just asked me.

"Well yeah they did, I got everything I wanted. I got a guitar, I got a cell-phone, I got a Piano, I've got multiple pairs of Cleats, They got me a Fifa approved Soccer Ball, and I've got a good amount of clothes. There's no need for me to be complaining about how i'm not lucky or how i'm adopted, I'm lucky for a reason and I was put up for adoption for a reason, I understand your point of view Ellie, I might not understand it to the fullest yet but as I continue to get to know you, I can only understand it more, right?" Taylor answered and god all I could think of was how smart she was. She was more sophisticated than I remember myself being, so whatever school she's going to is suiting her well.