THE DAY HE BECAME RUTHLESS: The Metaphorical Series #2

THIRTY EIGHT

Umatras ako nang inangat niya ang kanyang kamay upang ako ay maabot. The attempt was cautious yet it never assured me any refuge. Not after what just came to my knowledge that should have kept me in the loop from the start.

Pinapahinahon ko ang aking hikbi nang mga sandaling iyon. Muling maingat na hakbang ni Dean ay atras ng takot ang aking sinumbat. Tinitigan ko ang kanyang sapatos na tila iyon ang kailangan kong bantayan na kalaban. It shifted, but it never lifted a step.

"Ba't ka sumunod?" My voice quivered as I commenced. "This is what you want to see? Now you can rejoice, Dean."

Suminghot ako at pinunasan ang basa kong pisngi. Muli akong lumayo sa kanyang paglapit. I held on to the hand rail, hoping its stability would remind me of my residual strength.

"Hindi ito ang gusto ko..."

"Bullshit!" I reined in a sob that's about to rupture once again. Malalim ang hinila kong hangin upang tulungang kumalma pati ang nanginginig kong paghinga.

A horrible realization came over when I met his worried gaze. Muling lumabo ang aking paningin sa nagbabadyang luha. A many-headed beast of anger sprang to life within me.

"You knew...You chose to hide this from me for what?" Pumatak ang luhang sumilip lang kanina. They all screamed blame and disloyalty.

"You shouldn't have known." Sinamahan niya iyon ng marahan na pag-iling.

"Bakit? Bakit hindi ko na kailangang malaman? Buong buhay ko umaasa akong inagaw lang ang buhay na para sa amin ni Sue at ni daddy. I was left to hold with that hope. Tapos malalaman ko na wala pala akong dapat asahan. Na sana noon pa tinigil ko na ang ilusyon na iyon dahil wala akong uuwian na matatawag kong buo. Kahit sa pag-asa...wala...Bunga ako ng isang pagtataksil, Dean!"

Luha ang sumabay sa bawat buhos ng mga salita. Yumuko ako, hindi mapigil ang hagulhol habang mahigpit na kumakapit sa hand rail na tanging dumadamay sa akin. Nilalamukot ang puso ko sa mga bagay na hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip ko noon. Sa galit, sa inaasahang pagpapatawad at pagbabalik na hindi na kailanman tatagpuin ang kasalakuyan. Na hindi na sasalubong sa mga tahimik kong kahilingan.

All along, I was hopeful for our mother's reconciliation. Like a child yearning for her present on white Christmas. I couldn't find it in my heart just yet so in the meantime, I was all resentful and envious. Her elucidation could have likely be the hook for the evading reunion but the truth itself indeed, has set me free from all those secret hopes.

Now I suppose I am disappointment's favorite daughter. Imperfection's long lost lover. And a committed woman's mistake.

Sinatinig ko ang aking daing at pag-iwas nang nahawakan ni Dean ang aking braso. Umiling ako at nagpumiglas. It's too late for comfort, and I am in no need for anyone's pity.

"Why are you with Jillian? You've both plotted this?" paratang ko pagkatapos mapakalma ang sarili.

"No."

"Gusto niyo akong pagtulungan? Ha?" matapang kong diin, walang makapang paniniwala. "Now you see me like this, Dean, how does it feel? Victorious? Like a bad-ass king shouting that finally, you've witnessed the bitter girl who discarded you on your wedding day crying and being hopeless?!"

Punong-puno ito ng panunumbat at sarkastiko.

Buong magdamag ay tinitigan niya ako. I didn't allow the odd glint in his eyes to slide an icy finger along my spine. Tila ba ay hinahamon niya pa akong paratangan siya at patuloy niya naman itong itatanggi dahil alam niyang kahibangan ang mga bintang ko.

The click in his jaw told me he was silently warring himself to shout. Or to make any moves of denial.

"I knew it would injure you like this so I thought there's no need for it to reach you," he said, in a tone of calm and sharp cold. "Oo, may karapatan kang malaman pero para saan pa? The mistake has been made."