My life with Aspergers

Chapter 47- Rejected. . . And done

So as my chapter says about being rejected and done, it's how I feel.  This is not the first time it's happened though. It seems like everytime I try asking someone out, I always get the responses of "I already have a boyfriend", "I just see us as friends", "You're not my type" etc.. Or even I might get this response that just happened just a few minutes ago "This guy I've dated a few times in the past, asked me out and I accepted" etc. .. Then cancels out on me. The last girlfriend I had was about a year ago that lasted for 2 almost 3 years but then I made one mistake and now she wants nothing to do with me.

But those 2 almost 3 years, I have always treated her with respect and I never forced her to do anything she didn't want to do. But ever since then, I tried to date other people but it seemed to fail giving the examples of the ones I gave you. This one girl, I tried dating her, I mean we dated but then I couldn't feel anything.. I couldn't find myself being happy.

But like I said, I'm just done being rejected. If I have to turn to my dark self (Whatever that may be) I'd do it. No longer showing happiness, being serious, less humor etc.. That may be the way. But even the ones where I might be in a relationship, never lasts. I just want to find someone where the relationship will last for more than a couple of years, one day get married ya know? But how can it happen if it never lasts?

I mean I have a good heart, I have a good personality. Fun loving if they got to know me.. Just because I'm autistic, doesn't mean I can't be a good boyfriend. But I'm getting off track. I guess what I'm trying to say is, being with someone makes me happy knowing that there is someone who loves me for me. But not being with someone, makes me feel alone. What if I'm better off alone?

I mean this one girl that I've liked for years, I could see us together in my mind but she never gave me a shot. I wouldn't even care what people thought about us IF we dated but that's not gonna happen. I hate this feeling everytime, all the time pretending to be happy when I'm really not. Ever since I lost that certain person, I've tried dating again but it doesn't work. I mean I try to make it work but it doesn't. . .