My life with Aspergers

Chapter 27- F.I.F

Alright so your probably wondering What does F.I.F stand for? Right? Well it stands for Friendship in Flames. I have actually something to relate to this topic. I have lost 17 friends. Yes they are still alive but I lost them as in they don't wanna talk to me anymore... I have no idea. I don't know what it is with me because anytime I like a girl, its either she dont like me back or she is in a relationship or just doesnt consider me that way. So when I put it in Friendship in Flames, I guess you can kind of tell what I mean by that. If not, don't ask me I just come up with stuff. Well in my opinion I think it means that we are no longer friends. There might be a chance where I can put the fire out and possibly might get our friendship back, but the thing is I sometimes mostly think to myself that I do not have any real friends.

For one reason is, at mutual no one would ever talk to me. No one would even say "Hi, how are you doing?" You know things like that.. As for my brother Kyle, he is a lot better at it than I am. I know I shouldn't be envious of Kyle but the truth is I am even in high school and mutual I was envious of him. Why? Because he was a lot more social than I was, he was a lot more funnier than I was... I sometimes think I don't have any humor at all. It made me so envious that steam came out of my ears when people said,

"Hey Kyle wanna come hang out?" Or "Hey Kyle you wanna go to Ice skating with us?" No matter what happened they would always ask Kyle to hang out with them.. I think they have something against me. I admit the first time I tried Ice skating I was bad at first mainly because I had thought I tied the laces on the skates you know like regular shoes... But guess what? They are not like shoes at all. My doctor who was there at the time actually tied all of the shoe laces on the skates and felt tighter than before and admittingly I was skating a lot better like a pro skater except with all those fancy flips you know? But the thing is I hated being alone, I hated them not asking me to hang out with them.

And the thing is, I spent being at home 24/7 even when they did ask Kyle to hang out with them. And they would even call Kyle.. Every time I picked up the phone sometimes it was for Krystal and sometimes for Jack never for my older brother and sometimes for Erin, and they would say

"Hey is Kyle there?" I shoulda just lied and said he wasn't because of my envy... But I didn't I just said for them to hold on and went to get him. Any time someone calls me, its only once a year that I get a call from someone. Why? Because they only call to say "happy birthday" I normally don't get calls for someone to ask to hang out... Well there was this one girl that I loved that did ask to hang sometimes but sadly she wanted to go our separate ways and got nothing left in Utah. But people besides her, it was no one.

I am sorry I got off topic again, basically you don't wanna loose people like I did. Be thankful that you are normal and you have people to talk too. Me? I sometimes think that I am forever alone... I am pretty sure I mentioned this but I can not remember if I did or not so I will tell you anyway just in case.

I just want what people have; I want someone to hold me, some one to care for me, someone to say that they love me, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug, actually having someone say that I am theirs, actually having a relationship you know? I don't wanna be alone anymore.. I want to feel happiness again if you get what I mean.