My life with Aspergers

Chapter 18- Another breakup

Ok, looking at this title your probably thinking He had another breakup? Right? Well... Yes in the truth answer. But this one was different because the girl I was in a relationship with she was in Snow College in Utah and I was well... Here. We didn't hold hands or kiss or anything like that what you normally do in relationships, although it would have happened if I was with her. But the thing with this girl is there are times when I would give her a chance and other times I didn't feel the same way about her and I don't know it just went back and fourth etc... So your probably wondering when this happened right? Well if you are, it happened a couple of days ago through a text. I was confused wondering if we were in a relationship and she had asked me if we were... I know confusing. But the same day when I was on my way to Sign language class (we have a deaf in the family so I gotta learn it you know?) She had texted me saying,

"Well I think I have a boyfriend so no" Well she abbrivated but I just gave you the detail of what she said.  I had started asking questions and she texted back saying that her and the guy had just met and they just well... Clicked. I don't know what it is with me; Everytime I like a girl more than a friend its either she just wants to be friends, or didnt' feel the same way about me or she was already in a relationship or she might hate me.. Its always one of those reasons. I don't know if it is something I said that was weird or that I might regret saying, or if I am just being judged on the outside and not really knowing for who I am.

Let me tell you something about Aspergers that you probably didn't know. Aspergers is a social disorder so in public I may or may not say something that was the right thing to say or the wrong thing to say. I am trying my best to be social as if I did not have Asperger's... I try to be friendly and talkative and everything like a social person would.

Anyway I guess to this part of the story was, I was heartbroken for the 2nd time. And usually when I get depressed caused by a heartbreak, I usually drink Coke.. If I don't have Coke with me at that time, I would just listen to the song "Outside looking in" by Jordan Pruitt.. Now I know I told you about that song previously. While I was in the car and she had just said that I didn't have coke with me and I did not have my mp3 player to listen to the song "Outside looking in" So I just looked outside and started thinking.

My aunt was the one that was driving and she had looked and me and asked

"Are you ok?" I started coming out of my thoughts and asked,

"Hmm?" She repeated the question

"Are you ok?" I admitted and truthfully told her that I was just dealing with another heartbreak. I have technically 2 Jimmy Criket's (If you seen the movie Pinnochio, you'll know what I am talking about) For those of you who have not seen it Jimmy Cricket is a little criket that teaches Pinnochio from what is the right decision and the wrong decision.

Anyway my first Jimmy Cricket is my dad. He is in Utah while I am in Idaho but I call him or text him you know talking about anything bascially. My 2nd Jimmy Cricket is my aunt because I am living with her and I can talk to her about anything and she can give me advice just like my father can.

So on the way to Sign Language class while I was still in the car I had told her I was dealing with a breakup. What I didn't tell her is it's my 2nd breakup.... But I didn't have to tell her because she knew who my first break up was. And the thing is she lives in Cedar Hills, Utah. After I had told her that she was like the female Jimmy Cricket because she gave me advice. I do not remember every little detail because it's too much to explain but I was listening to what she was saying. I guess her point was to be happy for her that she found someone. I wanted to be happy but something was missing...

Ok the truth is, if I at least had a girlfriend I wouldn't mind my friends having boyfriends (all my friends are girls by the way) Because then I knew that I had someone just like they did. I had someone to hold, to kiss, to hold hands with, to hold tightly, talking to someone about anything, I just wish that I could say to people,

"Hey guys, this is my girlfriend...." Introducing her you know? I have been single for 3 years and I didn't go on any dates that was actually real. I went on school dates, which was rare but those really don't count. I am talking about an actual date if you know what I mean. I don't mean to get on like this. In case you didn't know it is actually really difficult in my place with Aspergers. If you ever meet me in person, I may look, walk, talk, sing, act normal... But I have something hidden inside that I don't tell people unless they know me better.

It's times like this where I wish I could change my name, dye my hair black and start a new life. I still am not doing good in Idaho. Well, I am doing very good here but no one knows me and I guess it takes time for them to start building it up and knowing a bit better. There have been times when I had thought to myself, You know if I keep getting breakups, maybe I should give up on loving someone or dating for that matter. I guess I have good reasons why. I guess the way I am feeling is kind of lonely you know? I know I should be strong and get used to this by now, but it hurts everytime emotionally.