My life with Aspergers

Chapter 17- Secrets

Everyone has a secret right? Well, I know I have told you about Aspergers and I consider that as a secret. But I am going to tell you something part of Aspergers. Going back to the time when I went to this Christmas dance with someone, the them was wearing ugly sweaters. I don't know why, that school is just crazy. Anyway so the dance's go like, you pick up your date, you have dinner and go to the dance. That was the short version by the way. So here is my secret.; On the night of the dance, we had pizza for dinner but guess what? I did not finish it. It wasn't because I didn't like the pizza, because I did like it.. It was pineapple. The problem is I am not used to eating in front of people except relatives. But I am not used to eating in front of people that I am not related too. You see for my 3 high school years and junior high school years I have always sat and ate lunch alone. I was not used to asking people if I could eat with them because I thought they would say "No."... Now I know that I should have taken the chance but I was scared. During the 3 years of my high school I would always find a place where no one could find me. And here is another secret that if you ever meet me in person, you'll know that I am nervous eating in front of people. Here's how you could tell.

The first sign is when I talk too much and hardly eat.. That's one way of telling I am nervous. Another way of telling is when I hardly have taken a bit of food. Another way is if you look at my leg under the table, it will be shaking so fast! Its not because I have to use the restroom ---Because I don't, I just shake really fast when I am nervous eating with somone. My personal favorite is when I am eating with a girl that I might like or have a crushg on I will just start shaking or hardly eat.. I just do things when I eat with someone when I am nervous. Its not that I choose too, its just because well... For 3 years I have not ate with people. And I am not used to it at all. If I do eat with people, I do the same thing I always do; Find a place where no one can find me until I am done eating or I am going for seconds. I want to break out of this habbit but I am not sure how.

Another secret is when I am talking to a cute girl or a girl I might have a crush on or actually a girl I like like, I tend to stutter. And I am also saying things such as. "Aw you don't have to do that.. I can wait" Whenever she offers me something. You see I can actually be a really nice guy without people having to judge me. I am one of the rarest guys you will ever meet that know Chivlary and etiquette.. You know good manners.

Girl readers, let me ask you a question; Do you still like guys who are chivlerous and have etiquette such as opening the doors for you, pushing your chairs in, not eating until you take the first bite or getting up when you stand up? Etc...? Well as for me I mentioned just a few minutes ago that I am the rarest guy you will ever meet who still does chivlary and etiquette... And still single ;)

I never really told anyone about this because... Well... I don't know why. You see it's not easy as it sounds having Aspergers. There have been times back in my old home where I would sometimes threaten to run away. I hate having to have people hating me on the outside. I have been single for 4 years and never had a girlfriend. I just want the same thing that people get;

You know, having someone to hold, someone to kiss, someone to hug when I need them, someone to call if I need them, someone to talk too. Someone to sit next to me where ever I am. I want to be able to say

"Hey guys, this is my girlfriend...." and whatever her name is. I want to hold hands with a girl. I want to cuddle up with a girl like watching a movie or something where she puts her head on my shoulder.. I want the girl to say to me,

"I love you." as I would say the same thing to her. I haven't been happy because I haven't had someone. I know readers there is nothing you can do, but that's whats missing my life... Something to make me happier everyday; Being with someone. I mean everytime I think about it, I listen to these songs

*Outside looking in by Jordan Pruitt (I consider that my life theme song)

*Untitled by Simple Plan

*Pieces by Sum 41

*Take me, I'll follow by Bobby Caldwell

*You dont know what it's like to be me by Clique Girls

I know these songs make me sad but its not just that... Those songs reflect on me and how I feel. People judge me because I am autistic. But see they don't know that because the judge me on the outside, not the inside. Readers, the way I feel is not just me but every person out there feels the same way too. They and I do not want to be alone anymore... People who are autistic (Weather you can see it or not) they want to feel like they are somebody instead of a nobody just like me. I have had people turn their backs on me and I felt alone. I cry sometimes because I feel like I am alone. People who are different have secrets they don't want to tell. Why? Because its for a good reason.

I don't know if I ever will feel happier again, but I hope one day. I lost the first girl I loved.. She wanted to go our separate ways which is really hard even for an austic person. I encourage you to talk to people that you know. Write them letters, emails, call them up, text them, or get their cell phone numbers so you could talk to them, ask them out on a date, invite them to the movie's or something. Just make sure when you socialize, bring them with you because you don't know if they are autistic or not. And the reason you might now know is because they probably don't tell you that they are. People who are austic try the best way the can to be social and be normal just like me. All of Idaho and Utah do not know that I am austic. And they probably will not know unless I trust them. The ones I told I trust with my life. So if your reading this, please take my advice. I know that if you know someone that is autistic; Write them a letter, email them, invite them to a movie, call them or text them, or get their number so you can text them. Just remember if you are going to be social with people, tag them along because they would feel like some one does care about them.. Just like me.