My life with Aspergers

Chapter 9- Love life

When you see this title, you think that I had many experiances with love life right? Well, that's where your wrong. You see part of having Aspergers is people well... Judge me from the outside. The reason I know this is because in High School when I turned 16, I asked every girl I knew out. And what did they say?

"No". That is part of my relationship history; Everytime I ask a girl out, they either say,

"No." Or "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." Or just simply not interested in me in that way. Everywhere I go, I get envious. Why? Because everywhere I go I always see people holding hands, or kissing, or holding each other tight like lovers do when they are in a relationship. Everytime that happens I always think to myself I want to feel that tooI That way I wouldn't have to be alone. And its true, I would want to feel being kissed, or holding hands, or holding someone tight, or telling someone that I love them andthey would do the same thing to me. Because that way I know that I have someone and that I am not alone.

People that has Aspergers like I do, will feel like the same way as I am feeling now. I am still single like I have been since I was 16.. I dont think I ever had a girlfriend or that I was in a relationship with someone. Everyday I wish I am. I wish I could say to people,

"Yes, I have a girlfriend and her name is...." But the truth is, I can't. I want to feel happier again knowing that I know someone does love me and I love them in the same way. The questions I ask are, Where is she? What is she doing? What state is she in? How will I meet her? I have so many questions I just want answered... I am sure all of you do too that are still single. You know, I want to feel love, be loved you know?

Let me tell you something about relationships, every guy that has had their first relationship with the girl they loved will feel heartbroken. I once loved Angel and when we went our separate ways, I was heart broken so hard because I thought she was the one... I wanted her to be the one because we understand each other.. But turns out, I was wrong. Now I am not so sure of who to love and who would love me in the same way. I don't want to be alone anymore. And its not just me, many people have disorders don't want to be alone either. The truth is, I just want someone to hold me close when I need them, I want someone to kiss me knowing that I was loved, I want a hand to hold etc... 

Every night I am wishing that there was someone that was thinking of me as I was thinking of them too. I wish I could feel that I am not alone. There are times when I felt that I was meant to be alone because I don't have anyone special, and then there are times when I feel something different like I am not alone. I don't know it just keeps going back and fourth.

I know I am still not used to eating in front of people in public because I spent so much time eating alone every day in High School. Even while I was in school, I kept seeing people holding hands, or kissing (not in a bad way in case your wondering) But in a way that you could see that they were in a relationship. And so everyday that happends,  I keep thinking to myself, I really want that to happen to me too... But I have no idea when or where.