A New Beginning (ErenxMikasa) Book 1 (Completed)

Chapter 21 - Im...Sorry

Erens POV

I walk back to the car, I throw the assault rifle in the trunk and then fall to the ground. What did I just do.....Why...Why did it feel good? I'm taken out of deep thought by the others coming over to me and helping me up. Levi pulls me to the side as usual and hands me a rag to take care of all the blood on my face.
"Kid that was something else, you did something I don't think any of us would have actually done. You fought well."
"Thanks, did we get the leader?"
"No... he wasn't here, or he left before we could get to him."
"Which means this whole operation was for nothing."
"Yeah, now they know we're gunning for them. Stay under the radar, we don't know what they're planning."
I nod to him and we come back to the car, it was a miracle that no one was injured beyond repair. I'm pretty sure I had a concussion, everyone else had bruises and cuts. When we load everything back up I decide to pull Annie aside and talk to her as well.
"Guess you can say I've lost my humanity, after all that."
"No not necessarily, Armin told me this once while we were having a quick conversation. He said To rise above monsters you have to abandon your humanity. Let that sink in Eren, you did what you had to, granted it was something I've never seen before. But you did it to protect your comrade, being me. Thank you." She tells me having her hand on my shoulder, she takes it off and goes to the car, I follow behind her. We drop Annie off first then we make it to my house.
"Alright Jaeger, You're officially a scout. Welcome to the team I expect great things out of you." Levi holds out his hand and I close the gap i between our hands with a firm handshake. I get out the car and sneak back into my house, I go into my room and realize it's 5:55 AM. In a few hours I'm going to school, and all I can think about are the men I killed in cold blood. I throw my uniform straight into my closet and go straight into the shower, I sit in it for about 30 minutes thinking about all that happened, it's trapped inside my mind and it won't escape. When I get out I go into my room and sit on the floor for an hour continuing my trance of deep thought. If this guy isn't dead, it means Mikasa is still a possible target. Which means I keep fighting no matter what, Annie's out though, I don't want her getting hurt. By the time I get out of my trance I realize it 7:30, I grab a random black hoodie to hide the bruises and cuts on my face, and some jeans with my vans. I avoid talking to my mom and I go straight outside and to the bus stop. Why is this eating me inside so much, I throw on my head phones and try and get out of my thoughts. The bus finally pulls up and I walk onto it avoiding all eye contact with anyone, I just sit in my seat and try to be invisible.

When we reach the school I make a b-line straight for my locker but I see Mikasa in front of it waiting for me. I try turning around but she catches me in the act and tells me to stop.
"Eren, are you okay? Why'd you-" she pauses at the sight of my face having a giant on my cheek and a bruised all around my head and mouth.
"Eren please tell me what happened, what'd you do?" I just stand there silent, not saying a single word to her. I try to maneuver around her to my locker but she steps in front of me.
"Please, tell me."
"I...can't."
"Why not? What are you hiding Eren!?" Now people are looking at us. I pull my hood more over my head and my hair cover my eyes.
"I just can't okay?"
"No you have to tell me this Eren, I need to know. I saw Levi leave last night, when I woke up I saw him just as hurt as you. Is there something that you two did that I'm not aware of?"
I continue to stay silent, now she's not mad she's upset. Her eyes start tearing up and the tears start streaming down her face.
"Please, I just need to know."
"I can't tell you..."
"If you don't tell me now Eren.....I'm breaking up with you. I'm tired of you not giving me the full story. You avoid eye contact, you even avoid me at times. Please.....tell me so we can go back to normal!" She yells at me with tears running down her face. I just continue to stand there knowing that I have to keep this whole operation 100% a secret from her. If she knew, she'd want to be apart of this. I can't let that happen, even if it breaks our relationship....she can't be the one to get hurt. With a tear running down my face I turn to her and say the thing I'll regret forever.
"I can't....I'm sorry...."
All I see now is the girl I love with everything in my heart, crying with everything she has. She looks down turning around slowly and walking away.
"Mikasa.....please..." I say faintly watching as she walks away. I feel my tears drop to the floor, I grab my book for algebra and go to class. When I walk in I see Levi holding Mikasa, he gives me a look, not angry like I thought but thankful for I guess not spilling what happened. I go to my desk, my face still puffy. I lay my head down and don't raise it for the rest of class. Sasha and Armin try asking what the hell happened but I just remain silent. I just stay with my fucking thoughts, the ones that make me feel powerless. I'm no longer thinking about the men I killed, I now am thinking about the girl i broke and tore apart into millions of pieces. What will I do now, everything I fought for is now gone.