Fucked Up Heart // Tyler Joseph + Jenna Black

18. Fucked Up Heart

3 am.

Tyler's favorite time.

If it was his favorite time, why wasn't he asleep?

He was supposed to be home. But he wasn't.

He was still at the motel, sniffing in Jenna's signature strawberry scent from their bed.

That's how desperate he was; Tyler was staring at him and Jenna's conversation from 12 hours ago.

Tyler: I love you

Tyler: Why aren't you answering

Tyler: Please answer me

Tyler: I miss you

Tyler: Oh wait it's 2 am

Tyler: You're next to me sleeping

Tyler: I'm just so in love with you I'm dumb

Tyler: Well when you wake up and you see this, I would like you to know that I really love you, and that was the first time I said it. Well, yesterday. So remember. September 28 was our first time saying I love you to each other.

Tyler: Please remember.

And that was the last text he sent to Jenna before drifting off to sleep.

It was really hard for him to look at his messages because of his eyes watering every second. And lumps in his throat always coming up even if he tried to swallow them down. And his nose burning. And his fucked up heart breaking while he scrolled through him and Jenna's messages.

Josh wasn't answering. Melanie, of course, wasn't answering. He literally had no one else to talk to. Except for Brendon, but he didn't think Brendon could help in this case.

He sighed and shut off his phone, darkness immediately filling his room.

Tyler laid in his bed for about 3 minutes until he slowly unlocked his phone and went to his messages with Jenna again.

Tyler: I miss you. I can't sleep. I just can't stop thinking about you, J. My mind is too full right now that I just felt like texting you everything that's on it knowing that you're gonna ignore this. Remember that day we talked? That I didn't care about you? It's true, it was true. I didn't. But now I'm feeling like shit and I want to, so desperately, take everything back. I care about you entirely, Jenna. I miss you. You were so perfect, everyone else doesn't matter. You actually meant something. You meant something to me. If you see this, go ahead. Laugh. I'm a bitch. I can't even go a day without thinking about you and I was so happy when we finally got to go on our little "road trip" together cause I would be spending my weekend with you. I miss you so much. I miss our late night phonecalls and texting until 5 am until you got tired. I miss them. And how happy you are; your smile, your laugh. I miss that the most. It's like you have this energy that makes anything around you light up. On the first day of school, I saw you as the epitome of a sunflower because of how happy and bright you were, because of your hair that I got intrigued in, and how I sat back of you. Believe it or not, I couldn't stop staring at you. And when you asked me how my summer was, I treated you like shit but that's because I'm fucked up, J. The thing is even though I hurt you and treated you like dirt a few times I still can't let you go. And I'm trying so hard. So fucking hard. Fuck, J, what are you doing to me? Why is it so hard, Jenna? I'm really regretting what happened this afternoon. I wish you didn't leave. Whoever made that theworlddoesntneedjennablack account is full of shit because I need you. I try to laugh and make jokes about you and say fuck you and try to cover up what I don't even know. I don't know what I'm feeling; sometimes I fucking hate you but I'm in love with you. I don't know if I'm still in love with you. That's a lie. I'm so fucking in love with you. Do you see how confused I am? I'm not even good for you J, you make me so confused in a way I can't even describe; but you make me feel good. You're fucking me up so bad, and it hurts. I wish I can go back to this morning when we danced and I woke up to the sight seeing you peacefully sleeping. That made me so happy. I couldn't stop smiling that I took a picture of you. And I forgot to tell you that you look so beautiful even when you woke up but you've probably heard that a thousand times from me before and now you're probably not seeing it anymore. That's okay, I know we hurt each other but I really want to know if you miss me like how I miss you. Do you hate me? I can understand. I just can't help but explain how hard it's been even though it's been 12 hours. I'm sorry for lashing out on you all the damn time. I'm sorry I can't be good enough. I'm sorry. I'm a mess. I miss you so fucking much. I miss touching up your bruises. I still think your bruised knees look sorta pretty. Do you still think my tired eyes look kinda nice? Even though we weren't officially a 'thing' I miss us. I never got a chance to take you on late night drives because every time I see you I always think 'man I want to take this girl with me while driving at 3am' with the street lights and moonlight shining on your skin like how it was when I took you to the store, the motel. I'm sorry. For everything. But I know you won't see this.

Tyler thought his text was good enough, and as he sent it and was about to turn off his phone, he wanted to text another bubble.

Tyler: You know what? Fuck it. Make fun of me. Think I'm crazy. But J, I am. I'm fucked up; don't bother saying I shouldn't call myself that because I am. Maybe I'll explain everything to you later. For now in short, I have a fucked up heart. And you don't deserve that at all. You don't deserve the type of love I can give you or this deranged piece of shit in my body I call a 'heart.' I'm still in love with a girl that let me go before I fully let her go. She's probably moving on better than I am. I miss you, Jenna. And I'm sorry for everything. You never deserved me. We had such a toxic relationship with each other, you're probably happy you're gone.

Tyler: But no matter what, Jenna,

Tyler: I love you with all of my 'lil fucked up heart.

Tyler finally shut off his phone and placed it under his pillow and closed his eyes.

He sighed and drifted off to sleep.