Always Been You

Twelve

Feeling

I cringed as I read an article of Signs Its Time To Move On.   It says, "If your relationship leaves you frustrated/upset/unhappy more often than not; If your relationship is leaving you in tears every so often, perhaps this might not be the right person for you."  Makakaya ko bang kalimutan ang tao na siyang may malaking tipak sa puso ko.  In fact he owns my heart no matter how would I deny it.  Masakit man nawala siya sa buhay ko, mas masakit ang nakikita ko pa ang sarili ko na kasama siya sa hinaharap.  

I can't accept this fact that he might not be the right person for me.  I will never ever love another man in my life except him.  I am sure of that.  I smiled bitterly as I leave the page and it was when my cousin Monalisa entered the room.  Pangalawang anak siya ni tita Flora at isang school guidance officer sa school nila mama.  Isa itong licensed psychologist.  They lived just next to our house since nasa iisang compound ang mga kapatid ni mama. 

 May iwinawagayway siyang ticket sa akin.  Isa itong concert ticket ng The Cradles Band.  "Look! We're gonna watch and have some fun tonight."  excited na sambit nito sa akin.  Hindi lingid sa kaalaman ko na avid fan nga ito ng The Cradles.  "Oh treat ko ito sa 'yo ha.  This is your chance to face your past.  Then you can assess if have really moved on or still stuck with it."  she said.  According to her, she got it from her colleagues na avid fans din ng The Cradles.

Well, maybe this is indeed an opportunity to do some kind of assessment.  Napatango na lang ako.  Kakaiba talaga mag isip itong si Mona.  Siguro, naramdaman din niya ang pinagdaanan ko. 

It's been so long that I didn't get in touch with them even with Paula.  More so with my deactivated account on social media, wala na akong naging balita sa kanila.  I have mixed feeling of finally watching him perform.  Well, I will just go there as company of their avid fan.  For quite sometime, the hurt is still there but I can feel no anger towards him anymore.  Nagtatampo siguro, baka yun.  I still don't know what to feel if I got to see him on stage again.  Really... 

We took grab taxi in going to the venue.  The venue is getting packed with fans from all generations.  But most of them are young girls who are still giggling and holding some banners.  Ganito na pala sila kasikat.  Sabagay, it's been a year and I'm sure they got more fans with the aid of media especially the social media nowadays.

We went straight to lower box.  Medyo may kalapitan ito reserved area na siyang pinaunang mga hilera sa stage.  She shivered with the cold temperature of the venue.  She wanted to back out kanina pa kaso baka naman makantyawan pa ng pinsan niya, she decided to stayed still.

Light went up on stage.  She saw silhouette of five well-built figures settling on their respective position.  

Pumailanlang ang tugtog at naging tahimik ang lahat.  Pakiramdam ko, mabibingi ako sa sariling tibok ng puso ko.  Shet!  Ayoko ng ganito.

The dim lights remains as he started to strum the guitar instrument.  Kahit may kadiliman alam ko siya ang tumutogtog nun.  Ang malamig niyang boses ay paunti-unting bumabalot sa buong pagkatao ko.

You are the one girl
And you know that it's true
I'm feeling younger
Every time that I'm alone with you  

Does he sings it for me?  Alam ba niya na andito ako?  Of course not, matagal na kaming wala.  I'm sure meron na siyang bagong mahal ngayon.  Parang pinipiga niya ang puso ko.  IIsipin ko pa lang na may mahal siyang iba ay parang pinapatay ang puso ko ng paulit-ulit.  I listened to his song with a crying heart.

How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?
It's just something that I want to do
I'll be taking my time, spending my life
Falling deeper in love with you
So tell me that you love me too.  

How would I really feel?  May pakiramdam pa ba ako? Kinuha na niya sa akin ang kakayahan kong magmahal, the moment he betrayed me.  That hurts me, like that moment just happened.  The memories flashed back little by little.  How could he do that to me? Puno ako ng tanong na alam ko kahit kailan di na niya masasagot.

How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?
It's just something that I want to do
I'll be taking my time, spending my life
Falling deeper in love with you
So tell me that you love me too
Tell me that you love me too
Tell me that you love me too  

Nakakapanghinayang kasi alam ko, wala ng karugtong ang awit ng pag-ibig namin dalawa.  Napakagat labi ako sa pagpipigil na huwag tumulo ang luha ng pait na naramdaman ko.  Dapat wala na ito.  Dapat tapos na.  Naramdaman ko na lang ang mga kamay ni Mona na nakahawak sa akin.  Di ko na pala namalayan ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko.