Always Been You

Forty

Outburst

Napapikit ako ng madiin. I was enslaved with too much emotion. nahihirapan akong huminga. As if something clogged in my throat that I can't even swallow my own saliva. I felt vulnerable at this point with his pleading moment. Do I really need him back in my life?

"Matthew you don't have to do this kind of stunts." my voice barely cracked. I tried to move away from him. Pero mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang pagkapit sa buong katawan ko. I'm trapped in his arms. "ayoko ng bumalik... kasi masakit eh. It leaves me traumatic mark. Hirap na akong magtiwala sa tao. And... I even find hard time on trusting people who are befriending me. Kaya please, tigilan mo na to."

"No, baby. You don't understand. Life without you is like living in hell." mas hinapit pa niya ako palapit sa katawan niya. His good smell is breaking down my walls. Mas takot akong anytime ay bibigay na ako sa kanya. I closed my eyes to gain more strength upang siya ay hindian.

But his persistence is starting to melt my defenses. But no. I shouldn't give in more easily. "Enough with these bullshits! Bakit nagawa mo magtaksil sa akin?" pinaka ayoko ang magmura but he already pushed the button. pagod na akong kalabanin ang damdamin ko.

"Ganoon ba kalalim ang pagmamahal mo sa akin para pasakitan ako ng ganoon? Para lumandi ng kagaya ng naabutan ko noon? You ruined my trust in you. You ruined everything about us! Asan ang pagmamahal duon? Ha! Sabihin mo sa akin para maintindihan ko. Just fucking tell me Matthew!" bigla tumaas ang timbre ng boses ko. Para bang sa napakahaba ng panahon na kinikimkim ang hinanakit ko sa kanya at kusa na itong lumabas sa bibig ko.

He sighed in defeat. "I know I've been a jerk, Reese. But believe me, I didn't invite her in. She's our family friend. I never thought she could do such craziness. I just knew she put on some drug with the drink she offered me that time." nahihirapan niyang pagsalaysay sa nangyari. I hate the feeling of looking back and with my mind still having the clear image of what actually happened. Shit kayo!

Marahas akong kumalas sa yakap niya. "stop! Just stop right there!" parang dinurog ng pinong pino ang puso ko habang naririnig ang sinasabi niya. My mind is taking its advances. Hindi ito dapat mangyari. I don't want to breakdown. Not in front of him. Ano siya, sinuswerte?

"Resse paano mo maintindihan ang totoong nangyari kung ayaw mo akong pakinggan. Masakit din sa akin ang patuloy mong kamuhian." bulong niya sa akin. His warm breath fanned my cheeks and it warms my cold heart. He is shaking. Umiiyak ba siya?

"Stop making stories. Kitang kita ng dalawang mata ko kung paano ka nagsiyahan sa ginawa ninyo. Baboy ka!" mas masahol pa sa sinabi ko ang inisip ko tungkol sa kanya sa kahalayang ginawa nila. "Let go of me! You disgusting pig! Argh!!!" nanlabo ang mga mata ko sa luhang nagbabadyang tumulo.

Nag hysterical na ako. Pero yakap-yakap pa rin niya ako. Mas humigpit pa ang yakap niya sa akin. Para bang takot siyang luwangan dahil baka makawala ako sa kanya.

"Please maniwala ka sa akin Reese. Totoo lahat ng sinasabi ko. I beg you to open your heart and hear me out. Mahal na mahal kita baby." something wet just slid on my shoulder. It moistened his chin and my shoulders. I don't want to think of him crying.

"Hindi ko na alam ang papaniwalaan ko." nanlambot na ang mga tuhod ko. I felt drained pagtatapos kong ibuhos lahat ng hinanakit ko sa kanya. Narinig ko pa siyang sumisinghot na pasimple. Hindi ko na pinagtuonan ng pansin.

He lifted and lover's carried me towards our room without any word. Pumasok kami sa loob ng kwarto. He then carefully laid me to bed. Pagod na ako para siya ay awayin. The soft mattress is so comforting I wanted to sleep. I slowly closed my eyes wanting all my senses to take some rest.

I felt his hand combing my hair. He later played it along with my fingers. His thumb traces my palm in circular motion. The thing he does calmed me somehow. Yung bango niya na naghahatid ng kakaibang kiliti sa akin ay unti-unti tumunaw ng inis ko sa kanya.

Nag umpisang siyang kumanta. Sinabayan niya ang tugtog na iTouch na pumailanlang sa buong silid kasabay ng mapayapang paghinga ko.

I'm here without you, baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you, baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I'm here without you, baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams,
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me.

"Take a sleep now, baby." the words I heard from him before difting to deep sleep. "I love you very much." His lips lightly brushed against mine.