Always Been You

Fifteen

Again

Magkahalong excitement at takot ang naramdaman ko habang naglalakad kami patungo sa stage. Hindi kami kaagad pinapasok ng guard. But the charm of my cousin did it.

I found them still having fun at the backstage. May mga PA akong nakikita na nagliligpit ng mga gamit nila. "Dude, congrats! You're back again. Job well done again." masayang bati ni Josef sa kanila. Yes I remembered him kasi kaklase ko ito sa med school. Hindi ko lang alam kung full time din ito sa banda o di ba kaya practicing his profession.

"We all did it man!" natatawang sagot ni Matthew sa kanya. His laughter. Antagal ko na hindi narinig sa kanya. I should be sharing same laughter with him now. I should be beside him sharing same joy. But his betrayal gives me a million reasons to walk away.

Same sight crushed the little hope in me that we could be together again. That I could to be back in his life again. This will never happen. I saw the same woman. Ang dahilan ko kung bakit mas pinili ko ang umalis sa buhay ni Matthew.

Napatulala ako habang pinanood ang babae na inaasikaso si Matthew. I should be the done doing that but I think it will just remain in my thoughts. I think it will never happen in our lifetime.

Ang saya sa mukha niya ay halos hindi mabura. Masaya na nga siguro siya. At least I will never ever be sad, knowing he finally have his own happiness. kahit ako na lang ang malungkot. Di ko alam kung nasaan na yung ang pakiramdam na galit ko sa sakit na dulot ng ginawa nila sa akin. But I can't blame him. May pangangailangan siya na hindi kayang ibigay. Maybe staying with that woman, he surely found his happiness.

Isang napakasakit na katotohanan ang nasaksihan ko ngayong gabi. I tried to hold back my tears while looking at them. Maybe this reality will slap me hard para ako ay matauhan na, ng kawalan ng pag-asa para sa aming dalawa.

Nakita kong napatayo siya habang nanlaki ang mga mata natingin sa akin. Shocked registered on his face. Halos mawalan na ng kulay ang mukha niya.

"Reese..." I never thought hearing his voice calling my name could be this hurtful. Napapikit ako dahil doon. God! how I missed this man in my life. Bakit kailangan ganito?

When I opened my eyes, we are just few inches away from each other. nakahawak na siya sa magkabilang balikat ko. Mahigpit niya akong niyakap but I didn't hug him back. What for? pinagmukha na sa akin ang katotothanan na wala na akong laban dito.

We have different world. Mayaman siya samantala ako ay naging doctor ng dahil sa scholarship. Alam ko na ang babaeng kasama niya ngayon ay katulad niya na mayaman. Malamang kasosyo pa sa negosyo ang pamilya nito sa kanila.

"I missed you baby." A single tear falls from my eye. Kung alam mo lang Matthew kung ganito kita na miss but saying this won't change everything.

When he released me from a tight hug, he cupped my face. His eyes were full of sadness and longingness.

***

Masaya ako na nakita ko siya sa pagtatapos ng huling kanta kanina. I never felt so energized in my life. Di ko pala napansin, I am just like a walking dead. Gumagalaw pero walang buhay. Paano nga ba ako mabubuhay kung tanging babaeng mahal ko ay iniwan ako. But seeing here tonight is like a living pill. She gave life to me.

"Dude! You're back again. Job well done!" bati pa ni Josef sa akin. Wala naman akong nililihim sa kanya pagdating sa mga pinagdadaanan ko. He gave me encouragement sometimes. Kahit maloko ito, napapakinabangan pa rin.

"We did it all man!" natatawang sagot ko sa kanya. Sobrang masaya lang ako ngayon.

Charlotte is there offering me water and towel. Medyo pawisan na rin ako. I don't mind her doing these things to me. What happened a year ago was already settled between the two of us. Di ko naman siya isinama dito. Ang sabi lang niya, they are on vacation with friends and they saw our poster and got a chance to watch our concert. Ayokong bigyan ng malisya ito kasi nilinaw ko na kanya na hanggang pagkakaibigan lang talaga ang maibibigay ko sa kanya. Nothing more and nothing less.

I felt her presence. I wanted to confirm it myself bago pa ako siniko ni Josef. There, I saw her standing few feet away from where I seated. Shit! Not again.

Di ko kailangan lingunin si Charlotte sa tabi ko kung saan nagpa lipat ang tingin ni Laurice sa aming dalawa. I know what's playing on her mind.

"Reese..." nahirapan akong tingnan siya na may panunumbat ulit sa mga mata niya. It's not what you think baby. I rose from my feet and hold her like I've been longing to do. "I missed you baby." buong puso kong sambit sa kanya. Sana maramdaman niya na siya lang ang kailangan ko sa buhay ko. Pupwedeng mawala ang lahat sa akin, wag lang siya.

"Like the old time, you still give me the reason to walk away." slowly she slipped from my grip... again. I know then and there, I am in deep shit... again.