home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the arrival home

          I came back to the hospital after I did my shopping, knowing I could never truly stay away from Matt. Together, we became accustomed to life at the hospital, but we had yet to become accustomed to each other again. I continued to see Zac, but we never discussed it. Zac had no idea why I was so busy recently. I told him I was doing an internship, though in reality, I stopped working several years ago to be able to tour with Matthew.  I was keeping things from both of them and it was tearing me apart.

          Thanksgiving came and went as Thanksgiving always does, and we sat around the room, eating KFC take out as our holiday meal. Matthew was released from the hospital on Saturday night, just two days before his birthday. He was still weak, but he was walking and no longer dependent on constant care from the doctors, and that brought me at least a little peace in the chaos.

          Matt let me drive the Range Rover to drop his mom and brother off at the airport, something he didn't let me do even when our relationship was at its best. He wasn't allowed to drive yet, and though he said he trusted me with the car, I noticed the nervous glances he would give me every time he thought I was riding too close to someone's bumper or that I hit the breaks too hard. After dropping TJ and Mrs. Musto off at LAX, we were on our way back to the house. It didn't feel right calling it home anymore.

          Matthew turned down the radio. "What's his name?" "What?" "The boy you're seeing, what's his name?" This is the first he'd mentioned anything about me seeing someone since the night he found out. "Zac." "And he's a nice guy?" "He's great." I responded, pulling into our neighborhood. "That's great." He turned the radio back up and we finished the drive in uncomfortable silence. We could once talk for hours, but now struggled to be civil with one another.

          Matthew was out of the car before it even came to a compete stop, going to unlock the front door. The dog immediately ran up to me, and I sat on the living room floor to pet him. "Mac!" I hadn't seen him since the day I left, and he kissed my face as Matt carried in his bag of things from the hospital. Nothing in the house had changed, and I was filled with so much nostalgia, looking at my favorite coffee mug sitting by the sink and the picture from  our trip to Hawaii framed near the staircase. "I think I'm gonna go up to bed." Matthew announced. "Okay I'll bring up your pills and a glass of water in a minute." He ascended up the staircase and I went to the kitchen, feeling guilty for talking to him about Zac. All I wanted was to see Matt happy, but I just didn't know how to make that happen.

          Mac followed me upstairs. Matt was laying in our bed, wearing only sweatpants and flipping through the channels on the TV. I admired him from the doorway, the tattoos that covered the majority of his skin, the large scar now present on his stomach to show what he had been through. It had been so long since I felt his skin against mine, and I missed it more than anything. "No need to stare darling." I felt my cheeks get red as I looked away.

          I removed myself from my fantasy, trying to think about Zac and how easy things were with him as I entered the bedroom. I placed the pills and water on the nightstand and turned to leave. "Wait." I turned around, looking at my ex fiancé laying with our dog on the bed we once shared. "Yeah?" "Do you mind staying with me? I don't want to be alone." I felt my heart shatter for the thousandth time, tempted to go back to a boy who still loved me so much.  I was speechless, so I simply nodded, removing my jeans and bra so I was only in a t-shirt and laying on the opposite side of the bed, Mac acting as a barrier between the two of us. Matt put on an episode of How I Met Your Mother; we used to watch one every night before bed. "Don't worry, I didn't watch any without you." He smiled, and it took everything in me to stay on my side of the bed instead of cuddling up to him. Everything felt so familiar yet so different from what it once was. The broken pieces of my old life were falling back together, and I had no idea what to do about it.