home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the fear

          When I awoke the next morning a few minutes before 8:00, I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I had barely slept at all, falling in and out of consciousness, so tempted to go sleep in the next room with Mat. I pulled the blankets tighter around my body, looking off into space. I never knew I could feel so out of place in my own home. Matthew was the only true love I'd ever known, and I wronged him out of spite.

          Eventually, I got up and went into the bathroom. I wad brushing my teeth and checking my phone. I saw that after I went to sleep last night, Zac texted me "I had fun today baby. let's do something again soon." Though I was ashamed of what I did to Mat, I did have fun yesterday and I truly did like Zac. I cleaned the left over toothpaste off my toothbrush and replied "I had fun too, I'll call you later❤️" It took all of the strength I had to go downstairs, knowing Matthew would be waiting for me.

          As I predicted, Mat was laying on the couch, scrolling through his Netflix suggestions. He was wearing nothing but basketball shorts and I looked him over as I entered the room, taking a seat in the armchair. I could feel the tension in the air and I would give anything to be anywhere else in that moment. Too uncomfortable with the silence, I blurted out "Matthew I'm sorry." He didn't even look up from the TV screen when he replied "I told you I don't want to hear it." "You mean everything to me. I didn't mean to upset you, but Zac's my boyfriend and-" "Yes I know he's your boyfriend. It's the only thing you ever talk about." He interrupted, selecting a movie on Netflix that I had never heard of and pressing play. 

          "Do you want to go see a movie or something today?" I offered, so desperately wanting to make peace. "No, I don't feel good." He was watching some Christmas movie, and the opening music distracted from our conversation. "Are you okay? You know you're supposed to tell me when you don't feel well so we can tell the doctor." "Why? It's not like you care." Matthew could hold a grudge longer than anyone I know, and it was one of my least favorite things  about him. "I don't have time for you to pout, I actually want to know if you're okay." "Yes Ashton, I'm fine. I don't need you looking out for me, I'm an adult." 

          Too irritated and sleep deprived to argue with him, I ended the conversation there and turned my attention to the movie. Most of the day was spent like this, pretending to be interested in Christmas movies to avoid speaking to one another. It pained me, and I knew he didn't want me there, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. I was worried for his health, both physical and mental, but I had selfish reasons as well. Even though I knew he was angry, I still craved the attention he gave me and the love he showed me. I missed what it felt like to be his and his only, and it was always reassuring to get a taste of that again.

          After sitting around all day, I was able to convince Matthew to go out to dinner. He put a hoodie on with his basketball shorts, and his untamed hair and the bags under his eyes made him look sickly. Through all of the fighting and confusion of the past few weeks, I had almost forgotten that Mat was ill. As we drove around town and ate dinner at the local tavern, I tried to cherish the time we were spending together, regardless of how upset he was with me. What TJ said in the hospital suddenly came back to me; that even though Mat survived his surgery, that didn't mean he would survive the condition. There would most likely be future surgeries, as well as mental issues like extreme anxiety and PTSD. It was no secret that Mat didn't take good care of himself, but I needed him to.  When we were together, I thought I wanted to spend my whole life with him. He was supposed to be there for our wedding, for the birth of our children and grandchildren, and for everything in between. We were supposed to retire together in a beach house in Florida, but now, there was a possibility he would never see his thirtieth birthday. Even if I didn't end up with Matthew, he would always be a part of my life, and I couldn't let his life be cut short. 

          I insisted that he order a salad at dinner, knowing that a healthy diet helped with his condition. He listened, but ate very little of it, mostly poking at it with his fork and watching the hockey game on the TV in front of us. I fussed at him at first, but realizing that it would be quite  a while before he listened to me about anything again, I gave up and ate my burger. The only sound on our way home was the radio, and Mat grabbed the steering wheel with whitening knuckles, still unwilling to have a conversation with me. When we returned home, I followed him up the staircase and towards our bedroom, hopeful that he would forgive me and let me sleep with him. He entered the room and looked back at me. "I'll see you in the morning." Matthew closed the door, leaving me once again alone and in fear of how much time I had left with the boy who may just be my soulmate.