home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the relapse

         It was almost three o'clock when I finally left the club. Zac offered that I could come spend the night at his house, and though I wasn't looking forward to going back home to see Matt, I felt obligated to. I made up an excuse about having work in the morning; Zac still not knowing that I had an ex fiancé and was living with him, and kissed him goodnight before catching an Uber back to the house.

          I entered through the back door and shut it slowly behind me, careful not to make noise and wake Matt. I was surprised to enter the living room and see him. He was  sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table, an arrangement of photographs and plane tickets to places we'd visited and soveniors from our trips placed on it. He looked up at me with dilated, bloodshot eyes, and in a voice not much louder than a whisper, he asked "So none of this meant anything to you?"

          The guilt I felt the day I found out Matthew was in the hospital washed over me again. I hadn't thought to get rid of the alcohol in the house. Drinking was such a normal part of our lives for so long that the bottles in the cabinet didn't seem to pose a threat. I was warned by the doctor that this may happen; that relapse was common for addicts in recovery. I hated to think of Matthew as an addict, but he was, and now he was an addict who was risking his life by not being sober.

          I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand, forcing him to look up at me. "Of course it did, you know that." "Then why did you say what you did earlier?" I didn't have an answer for him. The words were the first that came to my head and in the heat of the moment, I had said then. I still wasn't sure if they were true. "I don't know Matt but we need to get you to the hospital. You know you're not supposed to be drinking." "I'm not that drunk." He removed his hand from mine and went back to sorting the items on the table, picking some of them up to get a closer look. "Yes you are, let's go." With each second that passed, my heart beat faster. I didn't fully understand what would happen if he was not sober, but I knew I needed to get him to the hospital. I spent so many years thinking he was the love of my life. Matt would always have a part of me; he was still my everything and I needed him alive and healthy. However, he did not agree to come with me. He whipped his head around, and looking me dead in the eyes said "wouldn't you rather be with Zac?"

          The words hurt. When I was with Matt, it's as if I temporarily forgot about Zac, but every time that he would bring him up, I was brought back to the reality that I was living with my ex fiancé and hiding it from my boyfriend. I didn't know if I would rather be with Zac, but I didn't have time to contemplate the question. "No Matthew, I want to be with you." I meant my answer in a way that meant that  I wanted to be with him right then, but I soon realized he was referring to relationships.  "Then why aren't you?"

           Everything felt so similar to the night I left him, and my heart was breaking all over again. I tried my best to put into words why I couldn't be with Matt, a list I had been compiling in my head each night as I contemplated what it might mean to get back together with him. "You're sick and an addict and you don't care about me like you used to." Matt stood up with a fistful of pictures from the table. "I don't care about you?!" He pulled his chain necklace with my engagement ring on it from underneath his shirt. "Why would I wear this if I didn't still care about you?!" "I'm with Zac now Matthew, and I love him." I had yet to tell Zac I loved him, and the words sounded so bizarre coming from my mouth. Matt threw his hands in the air. "You love him?! You loved me once too. When are you gonna stop loving Zac? I assume your love for him has an experation date, just like your love for me did." "Matthew, we need to get to the hospital." I was overwhelmed and tired of fighting, and I wanted nothing more than to know Matt was going to be okay. "Tell me you love me." I stood there quiet,  the blood rushing from my face. I hadn't told Matt I loved him in so long. I was afraid it wouldn't feel the same, that it wouldn't mean anything anymore, but in an attempt to reason with him, I did it.

          "I love you and I don't want you to die. Let's go."