home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the news

          In my heart, I knew that it was the wrong thing to do, but in my heart, I also knew that I was a selfish girl, underserving of Matthew's love and ungrateful for the life we lived, despite our problems. So, I texted him. It was simple, not a love letter or a summary of the last few weeks of my life. It read "hey, it's been a while. how've you been?" My finger hovered over my phone screen, debating whether or not to press send, but as I watched doctors rush through the busy hallways and listened to the everpresent noise of the hospital, a headache started to form, knowing that I would be here for a while. So, without regret, I pressed send. I turned my phone off almost immediately, not really sure if I wanted him to answer. I texted him to relieve my frustration, but I didn't truly want him back in my life. At least I didn't think I did, but he was handsome, kind, and forgiving, the kind of man your parents always tell you to marry. He made dating him so easy even when the rest of my life was so hard, and I was grateful for that. Maybe I would like to see him again, just to grab coffee and catch up. I truly did have feelings for him at one point in time, and I couldn't dismiss that. I was filled with anxiety waiting  for Zac's response. He never did text me back. I can't say I blame him. I made his life messy and confusing and then left him out of nowhere. I probably wouldn't have responded to me either. I put my phone back in my purse and went to to the room of the boy I was to be marrying in two weeks.

          The room was quiet, and cold, and kind of eerie, as hospital rooms always were. I attempted to get comfortable in a chair in the far corner, coming to terms with the fact that it would probably be days or maybe even weeks before Mat was allowed to leave. An IV drew blood from his arm and his face had returned to the pale, hollow state it was always in when he was sick. It was just the two of us in the room, but we had nothing to say to one another. We both knew how the other person was feeling. After several minutes in silence, Matthew mumbled "I'm sorry Ash." I shook my head lightly, still not making eye contact with him. "It's alright baby." "We'll still get married on the fifth,  no matter what. I promise." Through everything, Mat cared more about me and our relationship than he did about himself. He would do anything to keep me happy. "Let's worry about getting you healthy first, and then we can worry about the wedding." Matthew was opening his mouth to respond when one of his doctors, a young woman named Dr. Lee, entered the room with a distressed look on her face. Somehow, I knew that something was really wrong. I didn't feel the same way I had at our previous hospital visits. The world around me no longer mattered, and my entire focus was on Dr. Lee. She looked at me, her clipboard clutched against her chest. "May I speak to you in the hallway?" she asked me, giving Mat a sympathetic look. I tried not to notice the concern on my fiancé's face. I couldn't find the words to respond to her, so I simply nodded, standing up from my chair and following her out of the room. She gave me a synopsis of Mat's condition and emphasized its severity, something I had heard many times. I nodded my head to show I understood, rubbing my hands together nervously. The doctor placed a hand on my shoulder and though I thought I was ready to hear what was wrong with the boy I loved so much, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. "Mr. Musto's chronic pancreatitis has developed into pancreatic cancer." My whole body went numb, and I found it hard to breath. It was like an invisible force was crushing me. I began to sob, my shoulders shaking violently as tears streamed down my face. I was hopeless; I didn't know how we could come back from this. This could be the end for us, but more importantly, this could be the end for him.