home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the promise

           The next few hours were a blur, being comforted by doctors I didn't know who asked me a long list of questions about Mat's condition that I didn't know the answer to. I cried until I felt myself becoming dehydrated and mascara was running down my face. I  had a half hour phone  conversation with Matthew's mom, who promised to catch the next flight and asked me to keep her updated on how he was doing. My mother sat in the waiting room, wiping her tears with decorative tissues from her purse and nervously rubbing her hands together. Mat was taken into surgery, and I walked next to his hospital bed to the doors that led to the operating room. We said our goodbyes, Matthew squeezing onto my hand for dear life. I told him I loved him and kissed his forehead, as he informed me of a will he had written after his first surgery that was under our bed at home. I ignored him, not wanting to accept the reality that this could be the last time I saw him alive, and allowed the doctors to roll the bed into the room, leaving me crying alone in the hallway.

            My mom and I sat in the waiting room with a variety of others unaware of the future of their loved ones. The news was on TV and doctors and nurses rushed around, talking frantically. My eyes followed them, wondering to which rooms they were headed, knowing that every few minutes, a patient was pronounced dead. My mother brought me a 7-up and a bag of cheddar and sour cream potato chips, two things that were usually my favorite, but now seemed repulsive. I found myself biting my nails, a habit I thought I had broken years ago. My eyes were dry now, I wasn't sure if I could cry anymore. I was so emotionless and numb, wanting so bad to be in Matthew's arms, hoping maybe everything would be alright if I prayed long and hard enough.

             A young woman who I assumed was an intern approached me nervously, looking down at her blood stained scrubs. "Hi are you Mrs. Musto?" Unaware of how to explain the situation Mat and I were in, I responded "Yes, is he okay?" She took a seat next to me and my mother leaned closer, clearly eavesdropping. "He's unconscious, totally unresponsive. We were able to revive his body, but whether or not his brain will be able to recover is still questionable. It was a very extensive surgery, and he did great, but we still have a long way to go. He will wake up when and if he's ready. Talking to him and having loved ones visit him helps, but there's no way to assure that he'll wake back up. If he does, he will be in recovery at the hospital for the next four to six weeks." "This hospital? We're from out of town, our home is in Los Angeles." It was the only thing I could come up with to say, still so heartbroken and in shock, not wanting to believe the words coming out of her mouth. "I'm sorry ma'am but Matthew won't be able to travel until he gets out of the hospital, everything must be done here. You can come see him if you like." I nodded and stood up. My mom stood up as well, but I gave her a look to indicate that I wanted to be alone with Mat, so she sat back down, opening her magazine.

           Matthew looked as sickly and broken as ever, hooked up to machines for which I did not know the use. His eyes were glued shut and his head was tilted slightly to one side. I pulled up a chair and sat down, holding his cold hand. I cleared my throat, trying to prepare myself to talk to him. "Matthew, I know things haven't always been easy. In fact, recently, things have only very rarely been easy, but I never stopped loving you. I will always be grateful for the five years we have spent together, but I was depending on a lifetime Matty, and I need you to wake up for that to happen. I know you probably don't believe me, but I want the best for us. I want us to work out more than I ever wanted anything. You just can't die on me, I know you can pull through this. If you wake up, I promise to be better for you. I promise to list off all of the reasons I love you, and learn to love you more each day. I promise to take care of you, even in the hard times like this. I promise to do all I can to make sure that we spend a long, healthy, loving lifetime together, but before any of that can happen, I need you to fight. I know you're in there somewhere baby, and I need a sign, anything to prove that you're still here and that you love me."

           I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but nothing changed. He didn't open his eyes or wiggle his toes or give me any reassurance that he knew what I had said. I sighed and let go of his hand, the beeping of the machines assuring me that even though he wasn't responding to me at all, he was still alive, were the only sound in the room. I was afraid that Matthew was slipping away from me, and there was nothing I could do about it.