the marriage

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            I woke up the next morning with my hand in Mat's and my head positioned between his neck and shoulder. He had already woken up, but held still as to not disturb me. It was rare that we got a moment like this, without screaming or the fearful interruption of a health emergency, and we were both soaking it in, wishing that we could stay like this forever.

             The peace was eventually ended by Matthew's voice, low and raspy, proving he had awoken not long before me. "Ashton, let's get married, today." I sat up, looking down at him to assure I heard him right. "What?" He turned over to lay down on his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. "Yeah, why not? I love you, and in this moment, everything's perfect. Let's get married before something goes wrong again. We don't have to make it a big deal; we'll go down to the courthouse and sign the paperwork." I laughed awkwardly, unable to believe that I was genuinely considering it. "Matthew you know I've always wanted a big fairytale wedding." "Fine, then let me give it to you. We'll plan it all out and have a beautiful wedding somewhere tropical this summer., but you have to agree to marry me now. I don't want to have to convince you anymore, I want to be able to give you everything you want. C'mon, please marry me." He was always so convincing, and I had spent the majority of my childhood dreaming of my wedding day, which I had recently been thinking may never come. "What about Zac?" This was the question that continued to come between us, and I still hadn't figured out the answer. "Ash, we both know you don't love him. He's just around to keep you company and distract you from me. You don't need him." Matthew made a point, but I would feel bad dumping Zac. He had gone through so much for me, and continued to put up with the always changing relationship I had with Mat. "I can't do that Matthew." "You can if you plan on marrying me." 

             I sighed and got up from bed, putting in my contacts. "I'd still like to marry you...someday." "Yeah well you can't do that if you continue to be in a serious relationship with someone else." I entered our bathroom to brush my teeth. "My relationship with Zac isn't serious." "He probably thinks it is. Haven't you two been together for a few months now?" "Yeah, a few months doesn't mean we're serious." I said with a struggle, my mouth filled with toothpaste. "I mean if you didn't have serious feelings for him, you would have dumped him already, right?" I shrugged and spit into the sink, turning the water on to wash the leftover toothpaste down the drain. "I guess so, he's a great guy." "Would you say you love him?" I sat back down on the bed to continue this seemingly never ending conversation. "Geez I don't know Mat, what's with the interrogation?" "Well if you don't love him and you love me, you and I can get married." "That's not how it works." "Why not? Look Ash, you make me happy. I knew you were the one after our third date at the state fair. I never had a doubt that I wanted to spend my whole life with you, and now, five years later, I'm more sure than ever. We've been through everything, and we've survived. We're meant to be together. Fate keeps bringing us back to each other, can you say that about Zac?" I pulled my hair up away from my face, smiling slightly as I thought. "Will you ever stop trying to convince me to marry you?" "No, because I want to marry you, and I know that a part of you, even if it's a very very small part, wants to marry me too. I won't stop until I convince you that nothing could be better than us spending the rest of our lives together, no matter how twisted and complicated our lives may be." I stared at him, recognizing the attractive features that made me fall in love with him. That seemed forever ago that my drunken college self was introduced to Matthew, who was not yet known to anyone as Blackbear, who had not yet experimented with drugs that would cause a serious addiction and eventually, a life threatening condition. Our first kiss, our first date, our first I love you, it all seemed to have occurred so far in the past, as if it were a part of a different, simpler life before we were broken people who only knew how to fight and have make up sex. Mat was right; we had truly been through it all, and had still never lost sight of what mattered; each other. I looked over at my engagement ring box, sitting on Mat's night stand next to a framed photograph of the two of us on top of the Eiffel Tower from his tour stop in Paris two summers ago. We had a life together, we had a history, and I wanted us to have a future. I nodded my head, a smile starting to form. "Fine."

           Mat furrowed his brow and stood up. "What?..." I too stood and walked over to him, opening the ring box and placing the ring on my finger. "I said fine, I'll marry you."

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