home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the goodbye

              I stayed away from the hospital for a few days, not ready to face Mat again. I was so sick of fighting, and couldn't help but realize how much easier it was to get along when he was unconscious. I stayed up in my childhood bedroom at home, staring at the ceiling and wondering what a lifetime with Mat would really mean. He was stubborn, selfish, and inconsiderate, but he was also intelligent, and talented, and loving, and if we could find a way not to bring each other to tears every day, I would be proud to be his wife.

            I decided to visit Matthew again on the sixth, after being away from him for the past five days. I brought Andrea with me, hoping she could be the buffer to keep us from fighting. I allowed her to drive her new car, and pretended to be excited for her, even though I was terrified to see my baby sister behind the wheel. Miraculously, we got there safely, and I lead Andrea through the hallways towards Mat's room. I knocked, and when I recieved no answer, I cracked the door open. Matthew was laying in his bed, looking blankly at the wall. A full American breakfast layed on a tray in front of him, untouched. His lips were in a slight frown, and a nurse I didn't recognize sat next to him, rubbing his arm lightly and trying to convince him to take his pills, to which he refused. It was a sad sight, and Andrea had yet to see him in a sickly condition, but I entered anyways, allowing her to follow behind me.

             "Matty..." He turned to face me, his cheeks red and his eyes sunken into his skull. "Babe hi I...I wasn't sure if you were coming back." "Please, you couldn't scare me off if you tried. You're stuck with me." Andrea looked uncomfortable as she sat down in the corner, looking down at her Converse. "I'm sorry for what I said the other day, I just want you to be committed to me. I'm afraid one day you'll get tired of taking care of me. I know I'm not perfect Ashton, but I really do want to spend my life with you and I don't know what I'll do if you don't want that too." I handed Andrea a $10 bill. "Go down to the cafeteria for a little while so Mat and I can talk." She agreed without complaining, obviously scared of the frail, ill being my ex fiancé had become. 

             "Matthew I do love you, you know that." "No I don't, you don't act like it. You can tell me you love me all you want, but then you go running off with Zac every time you're upset with me." He was right, but I had no response for him. The nurse, a middle aged blonde woman named Katherine, interrupted the silence. "May I talk to you in the hallway?" Realizing she was talking to me, I followed her out of the room. "Your um...your..." unable to figure out what Matthew's relation to me was, she decided on using his name instead. "Matthew's alive, and for that, we're all grateful, but he can't get better if he doesn't want to. He won't eat, he won't take his pills. He barely talks to any of his doctors. We don't want to give up on him, but we don't know what else to do. He seems happy with you, he trusts you. Can you please try to do something?" "Of course, I'll go talk to him." 

             I had no idea what I was going to say, but I went back into the room anyways. Mat and I shared a special bond that I believed may never be broken, and I was hoping I could find the words to make him feel better. "Move over." I told Matthew, and I laid next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. "I need you to eat something. We can't work on us until you're healthy." He shook his head and pushed the tray of food away from him, a tear falling onto his cheek. I sat up, becoming concerned for him. He wasn't acting like himself, like the boy I loved, and it was worrying me. "Mat are you crying? What's gotten into you?" Embarrassed, he used his hand to wipe his tears. "I don't know, I've been really emotional since I woke up. I'm still in a lot of pain, and it's never going to go away. I'm going to be sick for my whole life. I planned to propose to you again with that Christmas gift, because I thought I had all of this under control. I thought that I could live a healthy life, relatively unaffected by my condition. I was getting better, I was changing to be the kind of boy you wanted. But now Ashton, I realize that's not a reality. I want to be your husband more than I've ever wanted anything, but if we're together, you'll never get a break from taking care of me. I'll constantly be in the hospital, fighting for my life. You deserve so much better than that baby, you deserve to be happy. You deserve a husband who's happy and healthy and I can't be that guy for you. I'm in love with you, but you deserve so much better." He was full on crying now, but was ashamed about it, hiding his face in his hands. 

              "Matthew, stop. Please...stop crying." I had never been good at comforting people, and I had no idea what to say to make him feel better. "I'm so in love with you. I've been in love with you since the day I met you, and that will never change. You may never be healthy, I've come to terms with that, but I need you to try for me. I need you to eat and take your pills. I don't mind taking care of you, but you need to take care of yourself." "Ash..." "Yes baby?" He wouldn't look at me, his shoulders shaking slightly as he cried. "Go back to Los Angeles, you deserve some time away from me. I'll come home when I'm better." "No Mat, I want to stay with you. I don't want to leave." "Go home, spend time with your boyfriend. I'll be okay without you. You're young and beautiful and you shouldn't be cooped up here for weeks, waiting for me. I'll get better, and when I do, I'll come home to you." "I don't want to spend time with Zac, I want to be with you." "Goodbye Ashton." With those words, I left to go retrieve my sister from downstairs. By this time tomorrow, I would be back in LA, alone in my large house, awaiting Matthew's return.