home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the confession

          I did a bad thing; I slept with Zac. I'm not sure how it happened really, we went to the mall and though he pretended to be okay with finding out about Mat, it was really uncomfortable. Afterwards, we went back to his one bedroom apartment in West Hollywood. We were both angry with each other, and that anger turned to lust, and someone I ended up laying next to him naked, feeling as hollow and shattered as I had ever been.

          When I got back to the house, I spent almost ten minutes sitting in my car in the driveway, afraid to go inside. I was ashamed, not knowing how I could face Mat, the only other boy I'd ever made love to. I was afraid that he would know, that he would somehow be able to tell that I had wronged him. After hearing three songs on the radio and scrolling through my Twitter feed, I convinced myself to go inside. I held my head low as I walked in, immediately approaching the staircase to bring my shopping bags upstairs. However, I hadn't even climbed the first stair when I heard Mat's voice.

          "How was your date?" He was on the couch, his feet on the coffee table. Mac was sitting next to him and they were watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Knowing he wouldn't let me off the hook, I dropped my bags at the bottom of the stairs and went back to the living room. "It was fine, I bought your Christmas present." That was a lie, but I was doing all I could to move the conversation away from Zac. "You know you can't just run off to Zac every time you're mad at me." Feeling awfully defensive all of a sudden, I responded "I can do whatever I want. Zac's my boyfriend." "If you want to even attempt to work this out, you can't just disappear for several hours after we fight. Things are going to go wrong Ashton, but we need to deal with it together."  I felt my cheeks getting warmer and I was filled with guilt. "Well maybe I don't want to work things out." Matthew knew me better than I knew myself, and his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me. "What's wrong Ash? Why are you being like this?" I knew he would get the truth out of me, so I decided to make it easier for both of us and confess. In the loudest voice I could manage, which was barely audible, I whispered "I slept with Zac."

          I looked to Mat for his response. He looked so small, so defeated, and my heart broke for him. "You what?" "I'm sorry it just kind of happened, but what's wrong with that? He's my boyfriend and you and I aren't really together right?" I was trying to put logic behind my actions, but it wasn't working, still leaving me feeling so remorseful. Matthew stood up, turning his back to me and beginning to pace. "Right I know I just...I never had to actually imagine you with him, but now, now you're no longer mine. You shared the most intimate experience you can share  with someone else with Zac, and that's something you can never take back." My breath hitched in my throat and my chest felt tight with regret. I had made a decision to sleep with my boyfriend and it changed the way Mat saw me, saw us. "Matthew I'm sorry." "Sorry doesn't cut it anymore Ashton, you're always sorry. You can't keep playing me like this and expect that at the end of the day, I'll still be here. I love you, I need you, and I want you to love me too, but I can't put myself through this constant emotional torture for you." He was pressing down on his temples with his fingers and tapping his foot, two things he always did when he was stressed. "Mat I love you, you know I do. I found Zac in a hard time in my life. I had just left you and I didn't know what to do and since then, he's been my rock. I can't just throw him aside because you're come back into my life, claiming you've changed." "I have changed Ashton! I know I'm not good enough for you but I'm trying everyday to be a fiancé you'd be proud of." "You're not my fiancé Matthew." "But I want to be! I'm doing all I know how to do. What more do you want from me?"

          I wasn't sure what I wanted from him. He was right, he had given me everything and yet I still somehow found a reason not to run back into his arms. "I don't know Mat, I'm sorry. I want this as much as you do, it's just hard." "Then dump Zac." "What?" "If you want this as much as I do, dump Zac." I was taken aback and knew I couldn't dump Zac at the moment, not after what just happened. "Mat I..." "Whatever. I'll be up in the bedroom. Don't bother coming up and trying to talk to me, I can't look at you right now. I wanted to believe you were someone that would never hurt me, that you were flawless, but now when I think of you, all I can think of is Zac. You can sleep in one of the guest rooms, I'll see you in the morning."

          With that, Mat walked up the stairs, Mac at his heels, leaving me melancholy and alone with only the sounds of sitcom laughter from the TV as my company.