home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the miracle

            Before I knew it it was New Year's Eve, and I was still in the dimly lit hospital room, holding Mat's hand. I watched the New Year's Rockin' Eve on the small TV, but was uninterested. When the clock struck midnight, I kissed Mat and watched enviously at the happy, healthy couples on TV. Since Christmas, Mrs. Musto had returned home and my family had lost interest in visiting the hospital, so I was alone.

            After another restless night, Matthew's nurse came in to wish me a happy New Year and talk with me. She pointed out that today marked ten days since the surgery, and Mat still showed no signs of brain activity. He wasn't wiggling his toes or blinking his eyes, and it seemed as if all hope may be gone. She handed me a clipboard with a lengthy agreement on it, and a pen. She said that the fact that he hadn't woken up yet meant that he probably wouldn't, and encouraged me to take him off life support. I refused to even hold the pen, begging her to let me wait until the end of the week, still determined that he'd wake up. The nurse tried to provide me with statistics and information to convince me, but I couldn't let go of Mat, not yet.

              I spent the whole day looking at him, focusing on each individual line in his tattoos and the way his long eyelashes fluttered. My days with him were limited by a contract and a plug that kept him breathing. It didn't seem real that I had the power to end his life with one signature. I couldn't do that, I would never forgive myself. Despite the odds, I just knew he was going to wake up, he had to. This couldn't be the end for us, but more importantly, this couldn't be the end for him.

             Around lunch time, I got a call from Zac. He informed me that he would be back in Los Angeles on the fourth, and wanted to know when I would be back. I did what I had been dreading, admitted to him that Matthew was sick once again, and that I would be stuck in Arkansas at least until Valentine's Day. He sounded almost as annoyed and angry as he did the night he found out about Mat and I. He insisted that I come back home, leaving Matthew alone, and that Matthew could join me at home when he was well again. I thought that idea was absurd, that I would abandon Mat to go back to LA and spend time with Zac. It was then when I realized where my loyalties laid. I told Zac I would see him whenever I got back in town and hung up, knowing now that I would never feel about him how I felt about Matthew.

              I allowed myself to take a nap that day for the first time since Mat was emitted into the hospital. I was comfortable in the recliner, wearing Matthew's sweatshirt, though his smell had begun to fade from it, making me feel even more distanced from him. I turned the TV off, falling asleep to the constant beeping of machines. I had always been a light sleeper, and wasn't sure if I was even truly asleep when I heard a sound, different from the usual sounds of the room that I was so used to now. I opened my eyes and sat upright, looking around. I walked over to the hospital bed, hoping maybe it was Mat. 

             "Matty baby? Wake up, I'm right here." It was a long shot, but I stood over him anyways, waiting for something. "Uh." He grunted in an attempt to communicate with me, blinking his eyes a few times before completely opening them. I covered my mouth with my hands as I began to cry, so overwhelmed with emotion. I pressed the button next to his bed, which signaled the doctor to enter the room. He came in with the same nurse as earlier, who looked genuinely shocked to see Matthew conscious. In my state of excitement, I pointed at her and said "I told you he'd wake up! I knew it!" "It's a miracle." She said in a voice not much louder than a whisper, shaking her head. "I really thought he was gone." She followed the doctor over to Mat's bed, where he shined a flashlight in his eyes and asked him to bend his fingers and toes. He was weak and confused, but he was moving and he was alive, and that was more than I could ask for. Within the hour, he wa sitting up with the support of a pillow behind his back, eating ice chips and talking to me. 

              "How long was I out?" "Ten days, your mom came for a few of them." "And you've been here this whole time?" I nodded. "It's gonna be a while until we can go home, you have to stay in recovery here for a few weeks." "Who's taking care of the dog?" "Taylor, and she's coming over to water the plants. Everything's taken care of." He reached over and grabbed my hand. His hand was warm now, no longer underoxinated, and I squeezed it with affection. "Did you open my gift?" He asked with a smile, noticing the ring that still hadn't left my finger. "Yeah I did." "So you'll marry me?" When I still thought Mat may die, it was easy to say that if he lived, I would marry him, but now, it was no longer a hypothetical. If I said yes, I would actually have to marry Matthew. I'd actually have to walk down the aisle and promise to be with him forever in front of all of our friends and family. I sighed and rubbed my thumb over his hand. "Baby, I don't know. Let's worry about you getting better and then we can talk about marriage." He let go of my hand. "Yeah whatever." I sighed and rolled my eyes. He had just woken up and we were already fighting. Matthew and I couldn't get along if our lives depended on it. "I didn't say no Mat." "You didn't say yes." "Don't do this." "I love you Ashton! I'm sick of hearing I don't know! If you wanted this, if you really, actually wanted to be with me, you would just say yes! You don't have to stay with me just because I'm sick! If you want to leave me, leave!  But I want you, I need you. I want to spend my whole life with you but if you don't want the same just tell me." A monitor began to beep, and the nurse rushed in the room. "He's overwhelmed, his heart is beating too fast. This isn't good for him. I think you're upsetting him, you should go." I bit down on my lip, trying not to cry once again, and left the room, closing the door behind me. Matthew and I couldn't get along for an hour, I wasn't sure how we would be able to get along for a lifetime.