home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the essay

          I woke up before Mat the next morning, as I often did, and found myself still as lost as I had been the night before. I got up and made my way downstairs. I turned on the Keurig and put Eggos in the toaster, having no motivation to cook. I poured Matthew a glass of water and took his pills from their bottles, placing them on a small plate. I brought the plate and glass upstairs and placed them on the bedside table before going back downstairs and situating myself on the couch with my laptop.

          I was online shopping for Christmas presents when my eyes lingered to the ad on the side of the screen. It read "Make money from home by reviewing items, events, movies, and TV shows. Click to find out more." I hovered over the ad for a second before deciding to click on it. I had been contemplating working again. If I chose not to be with Mat, I would need the money. Besides, I needed something to do all day besides mope around stressing about which of the two boys I loved so deeply I would end up with.

          The ad led me to a professional looking website, well decorated with a blue color scheme. I clicked on the tab that read "apply." In a large, bold font, it said "Show us your writing skills. Choose one of the following essay prompts and submit an essay to be considered." In smaller print under that, the website read "If chosen, you will be reviewing between one and five things a week. Please fill out your contact information below." 

          There were three essay prompts. The one I chose to write about was "Tell us about the first person you ever fell in love with. What were they like? Are you still in love with them? If you could go back in time, would you change anything?" I took a sip from my coffee mug and began to write; ready to put all of the anxiety, guilt, and confusion I had been feeling into words.

          "I fell in love for the first time at nineteen years old, and I still swear that boy puts the stars in the sky. We drunkenly met at a college house party, and amongst the noise and the booze that night, I became infatuated by his kind green eyes and soothing voice. Over the next few years, we grew up together, learned a lot about pain and success and what it means to take care of someone else. He taught me that soulmates did exist, that I had found mine, and that I never wanted to lose him. He convinced me that I wasn't my parent's mistakes and that I deserved a fairytale love story. I dreamed of us raising a child together, of rocking in front porch swings in our later years. I was wrapped up in a cliche love story and I had never been happier. I was always so grateful to be in his company, and I knew I had found the person I wanted to spend my whole life with. I wish someone had told me then that things don't stay the same forever. 

          He found other interests besides me; music, drugs, and alcohol, and I became a lonely twenty something fiancé who didn't know who she was without the boy she loved. So I left. I don't regret it, not really. It was a decision I had to make, for me, for us, but it hurt like hell. That boy was my whole adult life, the only thing I knew, and I was lost without him. I tried moving on, paying attention to other things like reality TV shows and peanut M&Ms, but it didn't work. I couldn't forget him, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to. My addict of a soulmate was brought back into my life when I was informed that he was chronically ill. My stomach dropped and everything I had ever felt for him came rushing back. He was my everything, and I needed him to be okay. We were supposed to grow old together; he couldn't die on me.

          Today, I live with my ex fiancé. I told myself I was moving in to take care of him due to his sickness, but that was never true. We sleep in the same bed, share the same clothes, have the same friend group. Nothing has changed between us and it is both perfect and so painful. For I have another boy now, a witty photographer with a smile that could make your heart melt. He makes love so simple, without fighting or mixed feelings or complications, but it's not the same, it may never be the same. I love him, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be in love with him. I am torn between two boys, both so different but yet so dear to my heart. I want to love again, but I don't know if I'll ever be over my ex. I believe that the first boy I ever fell in love with may be the love of my life, and that terrifies me."

          I pressed submit on the essay, tears rolling down my cheeks. It was so raw, so honest, and it felt so odd to be telling the whole truth. I felt naked, stripped of my emotions. I closed my laptop and walked back up to the bedroom, so desperately wanting to cuddle up to Mat, the boy I believed may be the love of my life.