home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the panic attack

          It was a quarter past three in the morning, and I laid in bed, the TV casting a light over the otherwise dark room. I had given up trying to sleep, and was instead watching the Seinfeld marathon on Nick at Night. I heard muffled talking in the distance, but didn't think much of it. I assumed it was someone outside. Then it became louder, and I could pull words out of the mumbles. The person sounded pained and fearful. As the volume increased, I realized it was Mat. 

          I got up from bed and walked down the hallway towards our bedroom. He was practically screaming now, but not speaking in full sentences, shouting out a random assortment of words. I heard him say help a few times, and then I heard my name. I entered the room cautiously and turned on a lamp. Mac was hiding under the bed, whimpering. Matthew was still in bed, his eyes closed, kicking and shaking his head. One of his hands was gripping the blanket and the other was in his hair. His cheeks were flushed and he was sweating, still screaming out for help.

          I sat on the edge of the bed, my heart racing as I tried to decide on what to do. I placed my hands on his shoulders in an attempt to stop him from moving around so much. "Mat, wake up. Matthew." I shook him slightly and his eyes opened, dilated and fearful. He struggled to take a few deep breaths before speaking. "Where am I? Am I okay?" I was so scared, having never seen him this way before, but I knew I had to remain calm for his sake. "Yes baby you're fine, you're at home." He looked around the room, trying to adjust to his surroundings. "I'm not in the hospital." It was more of an observation than a question, and he calmed down only slightly as he realized he was in our bedroom. "It was only a dream Mat, you're okay. I'm here."

          He was still shaking, and tears ran down his face, though he didn't acknowledge it. "I...I thought I was in the hospital. I had another surgery and I was dying and you weren't there." My heart shattered, realizing this dream could easily become a reality. "I'm right here, everything's going to be alright. Let me go downstairs and get you a glass of water and something to eat so you can calm down." He grabbed my wrist as I stood up, short pink nails digging into my skin. "No, don't leave me." Coming back to reality, I responded "you're mad at me, remember?" "I don't care about that anymore, I need you Ash."

           Matthew looked so helpless, and partially because I felt guilty and partially because I still loved him with every part of my being, I sat back down on the bed. I went to hold his hand but he engulfed me in a hug, sobbing into my chest. I rubbed his back to calm him. I was so overwhelmed. This was mine and Matthew's life now, filled with doctor's appointments, surgeries, and anxiety attacks. These things would never go away, and I wasn't sure if I could handle that.

          Between his sobs, Mat forced out the words "I'm so sorry Ashton. I'm sorry I led us into this situation. I don't want to be this kind of person, I never meant for things to get this bad. I partied and drank and smoke because everyone I was around did it and it was fun, but now I'm sick and there's nothing I can do about it. Losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I'm doing all I can every day to try to get you back. I just want to be stable enough to be with you." "Matthew stop it, I always promised that I would be with you through everything. We were going to get married, be together through sickness and in health. This is the sickness and I'm not going anywhere." It was true, even though I was with Zac, I couldn't imagine moving out of this house and abandoning Mat. I still wanted to be there for him.

          "Then let's get married." Matthew lifted his head up to look at me. "Oh Mat...that's not what I meant." I always felt so bad denying him. As much as I wanted a happily ever after for us, we were both twisted, broken people and getting married wouldn't fix that. "Why not? I love you Ashton, you're the only thing that holds my life together and I never want to be without you. Don't you feel the same way?" It was such a hard question to answer. Two months ago, I would have said absolutely, but so much had changed in such a short period of time, and I wasn't sure how I felt anymore.

          "Baby, this is a conversation for another time. It's really late and you're not in a good mental place right now to be talking about marriage. We should try to get some sleep." He nodded, getting back under the blankets. I laid next to him and he wrapped an arm around me. I admired the tattoo of my initials, tracing over it with my finger. "I'm still going to marry you someday Ashton." I couldn't help but smile, placing my head on his chest so I could feel his slowing heartbeat as he finally began to relax. "I love you Matthew." "I'm so in love with you." With those words, I allowed my eyes to shut, oddly feeling more content than I had in a long while.