home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the wedding planning

          I spent the next day looking through bridal magazines, trying to piece back together the pieces of my broken life. When Mat and I seperated, many of the details of our wedding were already sorted out. I had folded over the corner of the page that had the bridesmaids dresses that I wanted to get, and left a sticky note on a page of a tuxedo I liked. All at once, I was brought back to what my life was once like, and I was so unapologetically happy.

          Around lunch time, Matthew and I were laying on the couch watching How I Met Your Mother when Zac called me. "You are going to dump him right?" Mat asked, putting a pillow behind his head. "Eventually, yes." "Just call him now." "No, maybe if I don't answer his calls, he'll just get the point and leave me alone." I turned up the volume on the TV and placed my hand in Mat's. "Or do you not want to dump him? Maybe you want to make sure you have him in case things don't work out with me." "You're paranoid babe." I smiled jokingly and kissed his cheek, turning back to look at the TV. "I'm not joking Ashton. Call Zac now and break up with him." "No, I'll do it in person." "Okay whatever." He crossed his arms and pouted his lips. Matthew was fantastic at pouting. He could pout for hours, upset about something that didn't affect him at all. I had learned to ignore it, to just let him pout until he got bored and decided to forgive  me. "I love you Matty." "Okay." I laughed at him and stood up to grab my phone from the kitchen. I needed to book our wedding venue. The idea of being engaged was becoming a reality so quickly and though he was mad at me in the moment, I was so glad to be remembering how it felt to be in love with Mat.

         The whole wedding planning process went from fun to stressful very quickly. There were so many decisions to make. The day we chose to get married would be our anniversary for the rest of our lives, but Matthew was too busy being bitter about Zac to help me choose a date. "What about April 14th babe?" "Nope, too soon." "Okay, May 5th?" "No." "June 23rd?" "Too hot." I eventually gave up, deciding that this was a conversation that could wait for another time. I put down my laptop and phone and looked over at Mat, still laying on the couch. "You barely touched your grilled cheese." He shrugged, picking at his fingernails nervously. "I wasn't that hungry. I ate some of the tomato soup though." It was then that I noticed how frail my fiancé looked. His clothes, which had once fit his thin frame nicely, now looked baggy and misshapen. "Baby you have to eat, this isn't good for you." "I'm not hungry." "Matthew you're never hungry." "Leave me alone. I'll eat when I want to." He was being so closed off, so distant, and I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I couldn't force him to eat or take his pills. It was a decision he had to make for his own health. 

          "Mat are you okay?" I sat next to him, his large green eyes meeting my dark ones. "You do want to marry me, right Ash?" "Of course, why would you say that?" He sat up, taking a sip from the water glass on the coffee table. "It just seems like you take every excuse to run off. I don't want you to walk down the aisle towards a boy that you're embarrassed to be with." I frowned slightly, causing a wrinkle in my forehead. "Why would I be embarrassed?" "Seriously? People talk Ashton. All of our friends and family know what we've been through. They know that I was an addict and that you left me because of it. They all know that you came back because I was sick and you felt guilty, not because you love me. They all know that you started dating a new guy who's twice the man I'll ever be. They know that you're the victim in this situation; that you're the martyr that took me back in the hopes that I'll one day go back to being the boy you fell in love with all those years ago." I felt my eyes beginning to fill with tears, seeing how hurt he was. Matthew was never good with words, and I could tell that he had been having these thoughts for a while, but was just now able to express them. I placed my hands on his shoulders, trying to reason with him. "I would never be embarassed of you my love. Is this how I thought our lives would work out? Absolutely not. Our lives are painful and complicated, but I get to live this life with you, and that's enough for me. Anyone who doesn't think we should be together won't get an invite to the wedding. I'm so in love with you, and even if the whole world was trying to tear us apart, I would still want to be your wife." Matthew smiled, a small dimple forming in his cheek. "You mean it?" "I mean it." "Okay baby, let's get back to planning our wedding."