home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the secret

        The next few days without Mat were lonely, a rememberance of the months we spent apart. Everything was so quiet, so still, and nothing seemed to occupy the time. However, when Saturday finally came, I found myself feeling uneasy. I had no idea what kind of mood Matthew would be in, or the kind of place I would be visiting. I had never been to a psych ward before, and the very idea of my fiancé being there made me queasy. More than that, I knew how hard it would be for me to leave him there. Once I saw Mat, I would want to bring him back home with me and have everything to return to normal. I didn't want to have to keep him in this place. I knew it was good for him, but I was selfish and wanted the boy I loved at our house with me. At half past eleven, I got in the car and started to drive towards the hospital, anxious to see Matthew. 

           The psych ward was loud; no one here seemed to understand that a hospital should be silent out of respect for the dying. The walls were painted a calming, light blue color that made the area look larger than it actually was. Nurses with fake smiles and tired eyes looked through paperwork and travelled from room to room. A man at  the front desk, young and handsome with dark hair and golden hazel eyes, welcomed me. He was admittedly attractive, but probably slightly younger than I was. I told him that I was here to see Matthew, and that he was my fiancé. Despite him being aware that I was not single, the man was still flirty, flashing me a bright smile. He was happy and full of life in a way that Mat had not been in a very long time, and I appreciated his company. He led me down a narrow hallway to the room where Matthew was staying, and left me there.

          I walked in, the door creaking open. Mat was sitting up in bed, a plate of eggs in front of him. He looked sleep deprived and stressed, but he had eaten a considerable amount of his eggs. I was discouraged to see that the pills were still sitting next to him, but I reminded myself that recovery was a long process. I sat next to him on the bed. "Hey babe, how are you?" He rested a hand on my leg and shrugged. "I'm alright; bored, tired, but alright." I nodded, playing with my hair to look busy. "Are they gonna let you out of here anytime soon?" He shrugged, fluffing his pillow in an attempt to get more comfortable. "Who knows? I'm just taking it one day at a time, hoping they'll realize I'm not as bat shit crazy as everyone else in here and let me go." I could hear the frustration in his voice as he questioned why he had been put in this place. "You are cooperating aren't you baby? I want you out of here and home with me as soon as possible, but for that to happen, you have to listen to the doctors." "Yeah whatever." He was ridiculously stubborn,  but I refused to argue with him. Things between us had been so good recently, and I was trying so hard not to ruin everything yet again. Mat's brow furrowed and he took his hand in mine. "Where's your engagement ring?" "Oh I took it off to do the dishes earlier and must have forgotten to put it back on." I kissed him quickly to reassure him that everything was okay.

          The truth was, I had yet to tell anyone other than Taylor that Matthew and I were once again engaged. I didn't want to jinx things; I was afraid that everything would fall apart again if we told our friends and family too soon. I was trying to keep it all a secret, at least until I was more confident in mine and my fiancé's relationship. I was afraid of what our loved ones would say or think, knowing how unstable our relationship had been in the past. So, I had left the ring on my bedside table in fear that I may run into someone I knew in public. An intercom announcement interrupted my thoughts, announcing that all visitors must leave in five minutes. I began to gather my things, admiring Mat while I did so. I wanted to get a good look at him and remember every reason that I was in love with him, knowing that it would be another week before I was in his presence. I was heading for the door when he stopped me. "Hey Ash?" "Yeah?" He sat up straighter, making eye contact with me. "I love you. I want to get better for you more than I've ever wanted anything. I just want you to know that I'm trying everyday to overcome this. I'm gonna come home to you soon and we're gonna get married and everything's going to be okay. We're gonna make it babe." A smile crept onto his face, and I walked out with nothing more than an "I love you," not knowing what else to say. I was left with a sense of pride in my fiancé, and a terrible sense of guilt that I was hiding our love from the rest of the world.