home to you: a blackbear fanfiction

the valentine's day surprise

            The next few weeks were the loneliest of my life. I spent time with Zac, but things were different now. He knew how much I cared for Matthew and that if he hadn't told me to leave, I would still be at his bedside in Arkansas. Zac and I didn't talk about Mat much, but the tension was still there, and it was tearing us apart. Despite this, we still hung out. We did couple things, going to the movies and playing mini golf, and I pretended I loved him in an attempt to distract myself from Mat.

          When I wasn't with Zac, I was alone at home. I saw my friends rarely, but I felt how I did when I left Matthew, and I knew he was the only one who could make me feel better. I had never realized how big the house was until I was there with only Mac as company. I tried to keep myself busy, baking cookies and watching murder mysteries on TV, but nothing helped. I was tempted to call Matthew to check up on him, but had to constantly remind myself that if he wanted to talk to me, he'd call me. He was the one who asked me to leave, and there was nothing I could do to change the way he felt.

           It was Valentines Day, and Zac was over at mine and Mat's place. It felt wrong to have him there, and even more wrong that we were celebrating the holiday together, but I tried to ignore those feelings, reminding myself that he was my boyfriend and I should want to spend this day with him. We were making out on the couch, a movie that had been long forgotten on the TV. I heard faint footsteps, but assumed they were part of the movie and ignored them, situating myself more comfortably on Zac's lap. It wasn't until I heard "Oh sorry, I'll leave you two alone" that I stopped what I was doing and turned around.

           Matthew stood there, looking sad and embarrassed, attempting to hide the bouquet of roses he was holding behind his back. He looked scarily thin, his ribs showing through his low cut tank top. He seemed to be in worse shape than he was when I last saw him, laying in his hospital bed, but he was here. I had no idea that he was coming home, he hadn't called or texted, and I felt so bad, welcoming him back by making out with my boyfriend right in front of him. This isn't how I wanted things between us to be.

          "Mat...hi." I got up and hugged him, nuzzling my head in his neck. He quickly pushed me off. "I'm sorry for interrupting, I'll be upstairs." He was still acting so unlike himself, and it made me feel like I didn't even know him anymore. Zac still sat on the couch, shirtless and checking his phone to appear busy. "No Matthew don't go." I begged him. "I'm so glad you're home, let me make you something to eat." "I don't want anything." I felt so defeated, knowing he still wasn't eating. "Baby we talked about this, you need to eat." "Don't call me that." He was being so cold, so bitter, and I wasn't sure how to react. "Please let me make you a sandwich Matty." He started to walk up the stairs, gripping the railing. "No, I'll be in our bedroom. You can come up whenever you're done with your boyfriend." I wasn't sure what prompted him to act this way; he told me to come back to Los Angeles and spend time with Zac. I don't know what made him think that he would come home and everything between us would magically be fixed. 

          I sat back down on the couch with Zac, but the moment was ruined. He made up an excuse about needing to feed his cat and left. I knew that what I had with Matthew made him uncomfortable, and I didn't blame him, especially after how Mat acted just now. I hesitantly went up the staircase and opened the door to our bedroom, where I had been sleeping alone for almost six weeks now. Mat was sitting on the bed, clutching the roses close to his chest. "I was going to surprise you by coming home for Valentine's Day and I brought you these roses but then I came in the house and you were with him." There was no emotion in his voice, as if he didn't feel anything anymore. "Matthew, you're the one who wanted me to spend time with Zac." I sat next to him, but he looked very closed off as if he didn't want to be touched, so I kept my distance. "I know, but you're mine." I couldn't bring myself to say that I wasn't, so I simply changed the subject. "Baby, you're really worrying me. I think you need help." With those words, he stood up, dropping the roses. "I don't need help Ashton, I need you. I can't be me without you. Please tell me you'll be with me. You don't even have to say you'll marry me, not yet. Just tell me you'll be mine." He fell to his knees and grabbed me around the ankles like he did the night I left him, so desperate and vulnerable. I stood there in silence for a moment, and then forced out the only word I could bring myself to say; "okay."