NO SIGNAL FOUND [RE-WRITING]

if you do this

the seasons pass by so quickly
lying by your grave, i wonder if it's actually
empty. full of dirt and other things
taking your place

the snow hardly fazes as the rain changes its
pace and turns to leaves dropping at my feet
tiny sun beams lighting up my face
can you feel the heat, wherever you are?

i'm sorry it's so late
i've come to say hi and goodbye
at the same time
darling, are you really down there?

does it ever end? the mourning?
is there a time i say it's all okay
and smile something that isn't fake?
does it ever end... hello?

i can only wonder if
it's as empty down there as it is up here
in my heart, i feel like a skeleton
shaking bones in a body i hate

you know what i realized, staring up at the
sky? when i close my eyes and
the clouds change, i can almost see you
right before i open them

does it ever end? the anger?
staring at the wall for four hours, only to
slam my hand in at the thought
"i should have done more, i could've done more."

does it ever end? the sadness?
sitting down for lunch and feeling tears
pour from my eyes "i'm sorry," i plead with
you "forgive me for not doing better."

it sucks, being here without you
cause i was only here for you
caring about you gave me a purpose
loving you as you wasted away

i stop asking questions one day
i say nothing as i stare down at your grave
it's as if i can almost hear your heartbeat
calling out to me

i stop asking questions
i say nothing
it's as if it's all empty
reaching out to pull me in, aching to be filled

i'm empty
it ended, in a way
the pain sometimes stays
but today, i'm numb

i sat on the frozen ground
next to the lamppost light
and said "happy birthday"
to the silence

i wonder if you thought of me
i wonder if you thought of what this would do
all those times you said i was enough
you lied

//i know i'm not making any sense//
12.24.17

A/N: i wrote this about a nightmare i had the other night. take from it what you will but to me, it's about losing someone to death... to suicide. not exactly sure who wrote this quote but it's completely true.
"ending your life doesn't stop the pain, it just passes it on to someone else."
if you need help, don't hesitate. suicide, self harm, depression, mental illnesses etc are a serious thing and should not be taken lightly.
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255
i am not in any way romanticizing death or suicide, it's just what was on my mind at the time.
i hope you all had a great holiday. ❤️