If I Could Tell Him

Chapter two

EVAN POV

The last bell finally rang, and Evan raced to the computer lab to write that stupid letter to himself.  He opened the door and saw that Connor was the only other person in the room. Just my luck! Evan thought and pretended not to notice how his heart jumped when Connor ran his hand through his long and tangled brown hair. Evan sat at the computer farthest from his crush and typed out a letter:

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know, because there's Connor, and all my hope is pinned on Connor, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to him. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Your most best, and dearest friend, Me

He laughed at himself, as if he would ever get around to telling anyone, even his therapist, that he was gay! He changed Connor to Zoe and him to her. He pressed the print button and put his face in his hands. He wished he was normal. Embarrassingly, he felt hot tears prick his eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?" A warm voice asked in a concerned tone. Evan felt a hand on his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his seat when he saw Connor. He blushed furiously, mortified at the fact that of all people, Connor had caught him crying. Connor frowned, lines gently forming in his face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothingi'mtotallyfinesorryididntmeantobotheryoumybad" Evan breathed. God, he felt like such a damn child.

"Hey you-you weren't bothering me," Connor said, taken aback by the amount of words that were said in such a short amount of time. "Hey, um, no one signed your cast," he gestured to Evan's broken arm.

Evan smiled nervously "Ha um y-yeah no one r-really asked." He said, not looking at Connor.

"I'll sign it." Connor said confidently.

"Y-you will? I mean you d-don't have to i-if you don't want.."

"Yeah I will. You got a sharpie?" Connor asked. Evan reached in his pocket and handed the tall boy the marker. Connor scrawled his name largely on the cast. "There. Now we can both pretend we have friends. Hey, is this yours?" He grabbed a paper from the printer. Evan saw his name at the top of the page and began sweating profusely.

"Y-yeah it's j-just a dumb assign-assignment." He said, trying to grab the paper before Connor could read it. Connor's eyes widened in shock when he read the note.

"Is this about my sister?" He asked quietly, almost menacingly. Evan thought he saw a tear in the other boy's eye, but when he blinked it was gone. "Why does everyone here hate me?" Connor said almost under his breath. Evan was hyperventilating now in pure panic. Connor thought that he hated him! It couldn't be farther from the truth. He took a breath and prepared to tell Connor what he'd wanted to say for years.

"C-Connor I.."

"No, don't talk to me." Connor said roughly and stormed out the door with the note, leaving Evan still trying to process what had just happened. The tears he thought he held back pressed against his eyes and flooded down his face. He was completely alone.