If I Could Tell Him

Chapter thirty-six

CONNOR POV

Connor came home from the grocery store. Marigold was at daycare, so she wasn't home. He put away the groceries, humming quietly to himself. Suddenly he heard a loud BANG from upstairs. Connor's ears perked up and he walked up the staircase carefully.

"Ev...? Babe? Are you alright?" He asked, making his way to where he heard the sound. He knocked on the door to their study and opened it quietly. Evan sat at the desk with their computer, head in his hands, shaking. The Connor Project page was pulled up.

"I...I c-can't..I did th-this.." Evan was muttering to himself.

"Baby what happened?" Connor asked, beginning to panic. He hadn't seen Evan like this since, well...

"Sh-she....she...died. A-and we...we couldn't h-help her..." Evan said between sobs.  Realization hit Connor like a truck. He rushed to Evan's side. "Sh-she killed h-herself....and...and the p-project didn't st-stop her this...is m-m-my fault..." he showed Connor a picture of a red headed girl who was about twenty years old, and sobbed harder.

"Ev...this isn't your fault. It's nobody's fault.." he said, rubbing his husband's back. Evan shook with sobs. "Hey...hey. Look at me." Connor said calmly but firmly. Evan looked up at him with red rimmed eyes. How the hell was he pretty even when he was crying?

Connor's heart stopped for a moment, realizing that he didn't know what he was going to say. He cleared his throat.

"Have you ever wondered why I brought you marigolds when you were in the hospital?" Connor asked.

"I...I assumed it w-was because I was in...in the hospital.." Evan responded, sniffing and wiping his watery eyes on his sleeve. Connor smiled warmly.

"Well yes. That's the reason I got you flowers in general, but I mean do you know why I chose marigolds specifically?" Connor questioned again, lifting Evan and placing him on the large beanbag chair in a corner. Evan shook his head, allowing himself to be gently lifted.

"N-no. Why?"

Connor pulled out his phone and typed in to the language of flowers. "Here." He said, finding the article he wanted.

"Marigolds are known as the "Herb of the Sun" and are symbolic of passion and creativity. The Welsh believed that if marigolds were not open early in the morning, then a storm was on the way. Marigolds have been used as love charms and incorporated into wedding garlands. Water made from marigolds was thought to induce psychic visions of fairies if rubbed on the eyelids. In some cultures, marigold flowers have been added to pillows to encourage prophetic or psychic dreams."

Connor shut off his phone. "So that's why. Admittedly, they can also mean 'jealousy' because I was really upset that I wasn't with you at the time. So I was kinda salty." He looked down at Evan, who was tearing up.

"That's beautiful." Evan stated, kissing Connor on the cheek. "Thank you s-so much."

Connor shrugged, not seeing how it was a big deal. All he did was be honest. "Hey, Evan?" He asked.

"Yeah?" Evan leaned into Connor's arms, resting his beautiful face against Connor's chest.

"You know I love you, right? I mean...like really and truly." Connor said, brushing wisps of Evan's hair off of his forehead.

Evan nodded, closing his eyes. Connor noted the way Evan's long, dark eyelashes cast shadows across his lightly freckled face. Connor softly hummed 'Little Do You Know' by Alex & Sierra while rubbing Evan's back.

"This song..." Evan murmured after a moment.

"Recognize it?" Connor questioned, smiling slightly.

"Prom...we danced to this song at prom! Senior year!" Evan exclaimed triumphantly. Connor laughed quietly at the excited tone of Evan's voice.

"You remembered!" Connor replied, pleasantly surprised. He'd thought he was the only one who remembered that. It made him feel like he was valued by Evan. That their relationship was important and special to him.

"Of course I remembered. That was one of the best nights of my life." Evan said, opening his beautiful eyes to look at Connor with that look that still made his heart melt.

"Good." Was all Connor could manage, kissing the top of his head.

"This isn't my fault." Evan admitted finally, gesturing to the computer. "Sorry I freaked out. I may have overreacted. And hit the table with my hand."

"So that's what the loud 'bang' noise was?" Connor asked teasingly, causing Evan to blush.

"Y-yeah. I was upset." Evan replied, causing Connor to chuckle softly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, my prince." Connor said, smiling. He checked his watch. "Shit. We need to pick up Mari..." he said, kissing Evan on the forehead before getting up.

"I'll come with you..." Evan stated, standing with him.

"No, it's ok. You stay here. I'll be back soon. I love you."

"I love you too, Connor."

And so Connor left the house to pick up his daughter.