If I Could Tell Him

Chapter forty-nine

CONNOR POV

Connor looked up to see his sister standing in the doorway.  Keeping his hand interlocked in Evan's, he nodded a hello to her.

"Connor...god you look awful..." Zoe said gently, moving closer tentatively.

"Yeah nice to see you too." Connor said, hearing a trace of his old sarcasm creeping back into his voice. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw Zoe smile slightly.

"I brought you some food..." she said quietly, keeping the same tone.

"Not hungry." He cut her off abruptly.

"Connor..." Zoe started. Connor broke eye contact, adjusting Evans blanket. He kissed his husband's hand, blocking out his sister.

"...and I think it's about time you come home." Zoe's voice cut through his ear. Connor shot up.

"Nope. Absolutely not." He said immediately.

"But Connor...what about Marigold?" Zoe asked, blinking back tears.

"What about her?"

"She needs her dad! You of all people should know that!" Zoe snapped. "It's not enough for her to just be with Heidi all the time she needs her father!"

"I need him too!"

Zoe went silent at Connor's outburst, staring at Evan's form laying pathetically on the hospital bed. The only sound was the rhythmic beeping of Evan's heart monitor, taunting Connor. Telling him that his husband was alive, but might as well be a million worlds away.

"Connor I-"

"No you listen." He interrupted coldly. "I don't think you understand how much I've gone through with Evan. Homophobia, parenthood, dad..." Connor looked pointedly at her, making her flinch. "I am not leaving him. I will never. Ever. Leave his side." Zoe went quiet. Connor turned back to his husband, silently tracing hearts into his arms with his fingertip. After a few moments, Zoe spoke back up.

"How does this help him?"

Connor was momentarily struck dumb by the question. How could it possibly help Evan if Connor was just sitting on his ass, doing nothing?

"Because..." Connor started weakly before clearing his throat, "because he would do the same thing. I've always strived to be like Evan and...and if I just walk away from him now...what if he wakes up? What if h-he wakes up and he's all alone? He'll think I l-left him and..." he trailed off weakly.

"You underestimate your husband." Zoe said gently.

"No. You underestimate his anxiety. You don't know him. You don't know how his brain works. I do." Connor looked over Evan's even breathing, hoping and praying that he would open his eyes and start talking about trees or tell him that he loved him or-

"Connor..." Zoe interrupted his thoughts, again. "We need you. Your family needs you. Please come home." Connor could hear the tears straining her voice.

"It's not home without Evan." He replied quietly, tracing his fingers along the old scars on his husband's pale wrist.

"Daddy?"

Connor looked up to see a familiar blonde head. Marigold was standing on her toes, clutching tightly to Heidi's hand.

"Hey, Mari! How's my favorite girl?" Connor felt himself smile in spite of his inner turmoil.

"I'm good. Is he ok?" Marigold let go of her grandmother's hand and approached Evan reverently. "Hi, dad..." She said softly.

Connor did his best to fight tears, looking at the other adults in the room and realizing that they were failing as well.

"Guess what I did today?" Marigold paused as if waiting for an answer. "Gramma Heidi took me ice skating. I almost fell over but then she caught me! I've gotten pretty good at it. Almost as good as daddy." She turned and smiled at Connor, who wiped his eyes quickly and nodded encouragingly at his daughter.

"She's definitely more coordinated than I was at her age." Heidi stated, laughing through her tears.

"I miss you, dad." Marigold said suddenly. "I wish you were here. Then daddy would smile and laugh again and we could be a family again." She leaned down and pecked Evan on the cheek softly, lowering her voice to hardly a whisper. "I love you dad. Please wake up."