If I Could Tell Him

Chapter twenty

CONNOR POV

When Connor saw who was speaking, he quickly regretted looking. He looked away from Jared's stare.

"Hey there, sweetheart." Jared said, and Connor felt his eyes burning.

"D-don't talk t-to him like that." Evan said, obviously nervous. Connor felt Evan stand and opened his eye to see him standing between his pathetic form and Jared.

"Evan, come on. You know me! We're friends! Remember?" Connor heard the fear behind Jared's otherwise confident voice. Fear of what? Rejection? Probably. He thought.

"Y-you kissed m-my boyfriend. Th-that's n-not what friends d-do." Connor could hear how hard Evan was straining to sound brave. Connor stood up so he could protect Evan if necessary. He still didn't feel comfortable looking at Jared, so he kept his eyes on the back of Evan's shirt.

"Evan, I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose either of you. You're my best friend and he's meant to be my love. Why can't we just do that? I'm in love with him! What's so wrong with that?" Jared protested. The fact that he was so goddamn oblivious made Connor feel like he was going to McFreaking lose it.

"Because I'm not in love with you! I'm not! I'm sorry you feel so goddamn lonely, but I'm Evan's, and that will never change." He said, finding the courage to glance up at Jared. Evan looked back at him and smiled gratefully, causing him to get lost in his eyes for a moment until the bespectacled boy spoke up.

"Evan?" Jared asked, his voice cracking.

"Wh-why did you stand up f-for me then? Y-you acted like y-you were my f-friend. You stood between m-me and Thomas a-and now you're s-screwing me over? Wh-why? I th-thought you h-hated Connor. I'm s-so confused. Wh-what are your in-intentions?" Evan asked.

"I am your friend! Granted, most of that was to impress Connor, and I had to act like I didn't like him for your sake! I didn't want to hurt you. I want to be friends! I care about you, Evan!" Jared tried to explain. Connor felt his ears warm up with a combination of embarrassment and anger. Evan stepped back and Connor rubbed his hand to remind him that he was there to support and love him.

"I'm sorry, Jared. I d-don't know how our f-friendship can continue after all of th-this." Evan said regretfully. Jared's face fell. Connor felt a twinge of guilt. This was all his fault. If he could have just kept his mouth shut. Jared's face twisted with rage.

"Fuck you Evan! Asshole!" And he stormed out of the room. Evan stood stock still, obviously in shock and trying to process what had just happened. Connor put his arms around Evan from behind and buried his face into Evan's back.

"I'm sorry, Evan." He said softly. Connor felt fully responsible for all of this. "I'm so, so sorry. If it wasn't for me, you guys would still be friends. If it wasn't for me, you would still have Arnold. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't get called a faggot. If it wasn't for me..."

"If it wasn't for you, I would still get beat up at school. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have marigolds growing in my garden. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have my amazing boyfriend who makes me happy. If it wasn't for you, I would never know what love felt like." Evan responded, putting his hands over Connor's.

"Hey...you're not stuttering!" Connor noticed. Evan turned to look at him.

"That's because I've never been more sure of something in my life." He said confidently. Connor blushed furiously, unable to find words to respond to that. "The stutter will come back. I just get these weird moments where I get really sure of myself all of the sudden. This one should pass soon." He suddenly looked down at his shoes. "Y-yep it's gone now."

"How often do you get those moments?" Connor asked.

"I'm n-not sure the p-pattern...but they started when I f-first asked you to k-kiss me." He turned red and played with the hem of his shirt. "Do you r-remember that?"

"Of course I do. That was the best day of my life." Connor replied earnestly. "So...prom, huh?" He asked playfully, causing Evan to blush even harder. How was it legal for someone to be that fucking cute?

"I j-just thought...you kn-know...like it might be f-fun?" His statement sounded more like a question.

"I'm honored to be with you, Evan Hansen. I'll pay for everything. You'll feel like a prince all night." Connor flamboyantly kissed Evan's hand.

"N-n-no! I asked y-you! I'll p-pay!" Evan protested, giggling. "Y-you always m-make me feel like a p-prince anyways." He said, bowing to Connor.

"Well then, my prince, shall we leave this public bathroom and skip the rest of the school day? Maybe go to the orchard?" Connor asked with a fake British accent. Fear flickered in Evan's eyes for a second before laughing.

"Wh-why not? We already m-missed f-fifth period." He said.

"Yeah! Fuck sixth and seventh hour, right?" Connor offered his arm to Evan, who took it, giggling. The two walked out of the bathroom, through the halls and out the front doors arm in arm. To everyone else, they looked like a couple of dorky boys, but they felt like royalty.