If I Could Tell Him

Chapter twenty-nine

EVAN POV

Evan looked out at all of these people he'd known for years. It was just him alone on the stage, in his graduation cap and gown. He scanned the crowd for Connor, but didn't see him anywhere. Why the hell did I decide to give a speech?? He thought. He held his cue cards up to his face, but he was shaking so much, the words were blurred. Evan took a breath to steady himself, closed his eyes and looked back at the cards.

"Um...h-hi. My name is-is Evan Hansen and..." suddenly the cards fell out of his hands and onto the floor. Fuck...

He leaned down to pick up the cards when felt his phone buzz. Self consciously, he checked it.

My Angel💕: deep breaths bby u dont need them ok talk from ur heart ❤️

Evan smiled and took a breath. He put his phone back in his pocket and left the notecards on the ground.

"Have you ever felt like nobody was there?Have you felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall and no one would hear?" He asked, looking at everyone. These were questions Evan had asked himself for years. He saw some people subtly nod, so he continued.

"Well, let that lonely feeling wash away. Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay. 'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand, you can reach, reach out your hand." He closed his eyes and remembered Connor reaching out for him when he was on the cold ground, alone, getting beat up by Thomas and his friends. He smiled to himself before opening his eyes.

"And someone will come running. And I know they'll take you home." Evan kept talking, picturing Connor's eyes smiling at him. "So let the sun come streaming in, because you'll reach up and you'll rise again. Lift your head and look around, you will be found. You will be found." He repeated more confidently. Evan tried to make eye contact with everyone in the room, and to his surprise, some of them were tearing up.

"There's a place where we don't have to feel unknown, and every time that you call out, you're a little less alone. If you only say the word, from across the silence, your voice is heard." Evan felt himself begin to choke up, meaning every word. "And even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, when you're broken on the ground," he remembered lifting a broken Connor after his father had beat him and began to break down.

"You will be found." He finally found Connor in the crowd of teenagers and adults and locked eyes with him. He smiled tearfully at his boyfriend. "Out of the shadows, the morning is breaking and all is new, all is new. It's feeling awfully empty, and suddenly I see that all is new. All is new. You are not alone. No one is alone." Evan said clearly through his tears.

"For some people, the thing that brings you to the light is a friend, family member, even pet. It could be a hobby, a talent, a therapist, almost anything. I used to believe that I was worthless. So worthless to the point that I self harmed and tried to take my own life." He took another breath, beginning to calm down. "When I reached out, I found an angel. My boyfriend, Connor Murphy, saved me from myself. We rescued each other. Connor, I love you so much. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life. I never thought there would be someone like you who would want me." Evan said steadily, looking right at Connor, who was crying. "Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone matters. So I've set up a kind of blog." This was the part Evan hadn't told anyone about before, not even his mom.

"It's called the Connor Project. It's a kind of self help blog. There are therapists and mental health volunteers who are on call at all times. It's completely free. Just log in and type in what's going on in your head. My email is also available on the site in case something occurs. My hope for this project is to help people the way Connor helped me. No matter who you are, what you've done, your background, whatever...you still matter and the Connor Project is there to remind you of that. That concludes my speech. Thank you so much for listening and have a safe trip home." Evan finished, shaking a bit.

The room immediately sounded with applause. People were crying and clinging to each other, standing and giving standing ovations and smiling. Evan's heart began to swell with pride. He had done it. He'd finally made a positive impact on people. Evan felt more tears slide down his face as he looked out at all the people. He suddenly felt strong arms embrace him from behind. The sound of Connor softly crying into his shoulder made Evan turn around.

"Evan that...that was beautiful I don't know...I don't know what to say..." Connor said between sobs. "I love you...I love you...I love you...I love...you..." Evan pressed his lips against Connor's and held him close to his chest.

"I love you too." Evan said softly, tapping his ring. Connor cupped Evan's face in his hand. Evan looked up at Connor's beautiful, tear stained face, his messy hair, his bloodshot blue eyes, his perfect lips and smiled. He stood on his toes and kissed Connor again, his heart fluttering. "I love you too." He repeated.

They stood on that shitty graduation stage with their arms around each other, feeling each other's heartbeat against their own. The sound of applause and boos were tuned out by the boys, who felt safe and protected by each other. Nothing could touch them.