If I Could Tell Him

Chapter four

CONNOR POV

Connor took a breath before getting in Zoe's car. The two of them had had a good conversation that morning, and he decided that today was the day that he would tell Evan how he felt. Or thought he felt. Or something. He was a little bit high, but just enough to calm his nerves. "Hey maybe this is a bad idea." He looked at his sister with fear in his eyes. "I mean this could totally ruin my whole life. I probably don't even like him. You've drugged me."

"Nonsense. You've drugged yourself. On looooooove." Zoe said confidently, laughing. "Just..ugh put a different shirt on, you've been wearing that one for like, a week."

"Three days is not a week!" Connor protested, but ran inside and put on a black t-shirt and leather jacket anyways. "Better?" He asked, spinning around dramatically.

"Much, thank you." Zoe stifled a laugh at her brother's antics. "You ready?"

"Absolutely not." Connor said with a grin and got in the front seat.

"Woah! Was that a smile I saw?"

"What? No.."

"Yeah, it was! You smiled! Aww you really like this kid." Zoe ruffled her brother's hair messily.

"Hey!" He yelped, trying desperately to lay it flat. He'd actually tried to brush his hair today, to no avail. "Let's just go." As the teenagers pulled into the parking lot, Connor's heart began to race. "I can't do this, Zo. He doesn't like me. I can't." His head pounded and the thought of Evan rejecting him, the other boy's blue eyes turning away in disgust. He would be looked at as a monster. Again. He thought he was going to be sick.

"Connor, it's gonna be ok." Zoe said encouragingly. "You don't have to do this today." He looked down at his hands, not even realizing that he was clenching his fists. He released, leaving dark semicircles in his pale and sweaty palms. He took a shaky breath.

"No. If I don't do it today, I never will." One of the marks in his hand began to bleed, and he wiped his hand absently on his dark jeans. Zoe smiled, full of pride. He got out of the car, his messenger bag banging against his leg with every step, reminding him that this was real, he was about to do this. This was happening. He was going to talk to Evan. He hung a left, and there he was. Connor stopped in his tracks and would have ran if Evan hadn't shyly waved at him. Oh god. He thought. Here goes nothing... "Hi Evan!" He said, a little too cheerfully. He cringed at how fake his voice sounded.

"C-Connor!" Evan squeaked. He seemed...nervous. Probably because you're a fucking douche Connor thought to himself. He stepped a bit closer and was alarmed to see the smaller boy put his hands up instinctively to guard his face.

"No please I'm not going to hurt you. Look. I need to talk to you." Connor was impressed at how calm he sounded. On the inside, he was screaming.

"Oh. Um. O-okay." Evan stuttered. Connor prepared himself for what could be the worst moment of his miserable life.

"Evan, I.." Connor blushed, hating the tingling that told him that he was vulnerable. Out of nowhere, Jared grabbed Evan's arm.

"Is he bothering you?" Jared asked Evan.

"N-no he's n-not." Evan said nervously, playing with the hem of his shirt. Just then, the bell rang.

"Saved by the bell." Connor heard Jared say to Evan as they walked away. Connor cursed the fact that he wasn't brave enough to talk to Evan when he had the chance. Now he would have to wait with agonizing anxiety for a long time.