If I Could Tell Him

Chapter forty-six

CONNOR POV

Connor's hand flew to his mouth as he felt tears sting his eyes. He crumpled to the floor, sobbing. Connor felt gentle arms surround him. He usually would have pushed whoever it was away from him and told them to fuck off, but he couldn't. He was too exhausted.

"Let's sit down in a chair, alright?" Came a soft, familiar voice.

"Mommy..." Connor said weakly, abandoning all reputation and dignity as he hugged his mother tightly. "I-I love him, mom..." he said in a broken voice.

"I know...I know you do, Con." Cynthia said soothingly, helping him to a chair. Connor slumped down, letting the tears fall as he lay in his mother's arms. He felt defeated and hopeless. His brain worked overtime trying to figure out a situation where this would all end up okay, like Evan always said everything would. Just the thought of his husband's name set Connor off on a fresh round of tears. He glanced up to see that the others had had similar reactions.

Zoe was on her hands and knees, retching and crying. She seemed to be trying to cry herself to death.

Alana knelt next to her wife, and rubbed Zoe's back, her eyes a painful shade of pink.

Jared's face was in his hands, his shoulders shaking up and down hard in time with his agonizingly loud sobs.

Heidi began crying so hysterically that she couldn't stay still. She paced around the room, bawling like a baby. Small mutters of "Evan..." and "my little guy..." could be heard in between the strangled cries.

"Dad?" Connor vaguely heard his daughter calling out to him. "What's a coma?" Marigold asked innocently. Connor choked out another stinging sob, unable to answer. "What's a coma? What's a coma?" Marigold went around, asking everyone in the room, unintentionally ripping gashes in their already aching hearts.

"Come here, Mari." Heather said in a breaking voice. She hadn't spoken a word since she'd gotten there. Connor watched as his daughter hopped up on the yellow-clad girl's lap. He stiffened and tried his best to block out her soft words as she explained what a coma was in a way the small child could understand.

"But...daddy's gonna wake up, right?" Marigold asked, her hazel eyes filling with tears. "Dad. You have to wake him up." She said accusatorially, pointing her small finger at Connor, who gritted his teeth together. Didn't she know that he would do anything to wake Evan? Even if it meant trading in his life?

"I...I can't, Marigold..." he said as patiently as he could, twisting his fingers painfully into his hair.

"Yes you can!" She cried out, her voice boring into her father's brain. "You j-just call him a prince and kiss his forehead and he wakes up! Then w-we can play go fish!"

"Marigold..." Connor said tiredly, feeling his heart break even more.

"You have to!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH, MARIGOLD HAZEL HANSEN." Connor shouted, knowing he wouldn't be able to take much more. And from the looks of the others, they wouldn't either. The whole room went into a shocked silence

"Dad would never yell at me." Marigold finally whispered softly.

"Well I'm not him." Connor responded shortly. He knew he would regret raising his voice later, but for now he knew he couldn't take any more.   "I'm going for a walk." He said, standing up weakly.

Connor wandered aimlessly through the sickeningly sterile hospital hallways. He tried to push memories from his mind.

"Hi, angel." Evan's voice rang in his head as if on a loop. "I love you, Connor." Over and over again as if cruelly reminding him that he would never hear that voice again. Connor dug his fingernails into his scalp, trying to get it to stop.

"GODDAMMIT, EVAN!" Connor screamed, the words tearing from his throat. He turned and hit the wall as hard as he could, leaving an impressive dent. He sank to the cold tile and curled his knees to his chest. Heaving, he looked at his hands. His fingertips had traces of blood smeared across them, no doubt from the stinging imprints his own fingernails left in his scalp. "Goddammit..." he whispered, defeated. It was so quiet. "Come back..." Connor choked out, closing his eyes.

"Connor?" Zoe's voice floated down the hall to him. "Th-the..the doctor wants to explain what happened." She said, hoarse from crying. Connor stood. A logical explanation would help give him some clarity, maybe make him feel less broken.

As Connor approached the doctor, every word the man said to him made him feel worse. Evan wasn't going to wake up.

And it was Connor's fault.