blue (book one) - h.s. ✔️ watty's 2019

chapter 23 - Parker's soliloquy

It's clear to me now more than ever that I have never been in love. I don't understand how I am to know what love is when its never coursed through my body. Incomprehensible. But why does it feel like I'm in love with Harry. He's constantly on my mind. Anything I do, I find myself relating it to him in some way. When I wake to get dressed, complete an assignment, do my hair. Is this enough for you?

Does this satisfy you?

Are these components of love?

I don't think I'll ever recover from the sight of seeing two people who each hold a part of my heart trying to kill one other. I've just never seen Alex so mad. He's never actually, really been in a fight despite his ripped physique; he's much too friendly with everyone. Everyone except Harry.

I don't understand it.

Well, I can see why he's not fond of him. Alex's first memories of the boy stem from him disrespecting Psi Upsilon. I've forced those memories to the back of my mind. He's so much different now; there's no way that's still a part of the Harry I've come to know.

Kate.

Her arm was bruised badly. A product of the fight? I don't know. It pains me to have to think that my relationship with Harry put her in harms way: that it puts Alex in harms way. Neither one of them have responded to my texts. I don't blame them. If I were in there positions, I wouldn't either. But I just can't not be with Harry. I have to know where his head is. I have to figure out where mine is.

I've changed so much since him. I'm not sure if every change has been positive, but I'm sure that each has been necessary, I guess. I don't know!

How can someone be so good and yet at the time so toxic?

Toxic. Is Harry toxic?

Is that what Alex is afraid of? Me becoming like Harry?

Ugh!

But that's not a bad thing. Harry is so sure of himself. He's exceptionally his own person and he knows it. Never once has he faltered or changed himself for anyone. Not even for his frat brothers! He's managed to revolutionize the frat boy image, because he's so himself.

I, on the other hand, am like a chameleon. Blending and conforming to everything and everyone around me. Always ready to make others happy without considering my own happiness.

I don't understand what he wants from me. I can't help but get the feeling that he's here to help me, like a guide of some sorts. It sounds crazy when I say it out loud. I don't know.

At times it seems like he likes me, but at other times it seems like he's not interested whatsoever. It is fucking with my head. I want him to be good for me, I really do. I just know that we would work good together. We would be good together. We just need the chance. I guess this is love, isn't it? I mean I am writing about him in my fucking diary. I am cursing. Things are changing.