blue (book one) - h.s. ✔️ watty's 2019

chapter 64 - monster

For the second time this night I see a look in Harry's eyes that I've never experienced before: fear.

He doesn't respond right away. Probably taken back by my swift change of topics. I can tell that a lot is going on in his head as his face takes on many emotions: anger, fear, guilt, shame. I begin to open my mouth to change the subject taking note of how uncomfortable he looks, but he finally opens his to speak.

"We were a. . . thing?"

"You guys dated," I say matter-of-factly, recalling the information Jax had told me back at the outing.

"No, I don-didn't date back then," he corrects, his eyes not meeting mine.

"We were a thing," he continues this time more sure of his answer.

"For a while she was just a girl I'd hit up when I needed a good blow," he blurts apologizing right after as he takes in my uneasy look.

"I was never exclusive with her. She understood that there'd often be times where I'd meet up with her later in the day absolutely spent from fucking one of her friends in my truck that morning," I wince again at his language, but he doesn't apologize this time. I guess I should get used to this. I should also scrub the seats inside of his large truck before entering the vehicle again.

"The only thing that made her different from any other girl I was fucking was that she seemed really invested in me at the beginning,"

"I think she even started to believe that we were dating at one point, telling others of our new 'status'," he finishes looking deep in thought towards the end.

"I guess that's where Zayn and the others got the idea we were exclusive from," he utters but to himself. He doesn't seem present when he speaks this.

"Anyways, she grew more and more involved in my personal life. To the point where it became extremely uncomfortable just to be in the same room as her - if we weren't fucking, of course," he smiles to himself in remembrance. I'd be lying if I said this didn't hurt me even a little bit. The way he beamed at the thought of being with her made me want to vomit.

Was she really that good?

I stay quiet afraid to open my mouth at the moment. He seems oblivious to how this makes me feel and continues the story unfazed. 

"She came to know things about my personal life that not even my closest family members were aware of,"

"My mom had just started her first round of PET scans to detect the cancer-like disease. To this day I still don't know how she found out about that, but I was furious at the time," he continues distant.

When he stops speaking only then do I realize how tense his body is in front of me. He seems unmoving. It doesn't even looks like he's breathing until he opens his mouth to continue, his eyes finally looking up to meet mine.

"You have to know that I'd never put my hands on you especially, but also any other woman for that matter," he breathes his eyes slightly watering before he starts blinking them rapidly to stop the tears from falling.

"I'm still paying for that mistake. I was just so angry with her. I didn't know how to deal with anyone outside of Gem and I knowing about my mum." His eyes are now averted away from me and I'm sure my face is unreadable as he continues. I don't know how to feel about this. I sense his hand making his way to find mine, but I unconsciously shy away from his touch, causing a look of hurt to pass over his face before he continues.

"As soon as my hands landed on her I regretted it instantly. I started running,"

"I had no idea where I was heading but I just kept running."

"I could hear her voice shouting for me in the distance, but I couldn't bring myself to look at what I had done. I'm a man, Parker," he says looking at me with hurt in his eyes.

"I had no excuse for what I had done to her. The blood dripping from her split lip. The light bruises around her neck that would later turn dark blue. I- I had no excuse," he stammers tears falling down his face yet his voice is eerily calm, unwavering.

I want so badly to cuddle him and reassure him that everything's okay, but it wasn't. I can't.

"I avoided her and all of our friends for weeks. I got invovled with shit I had no reason to get involved with. I just wanted to turn everything off. I was spiraling out of control into this deep, dark abyss that lead to absolutely no where; I was on the road to destruction. I was so sure that what I had done defined me for the rest of my life, which ironically in a way it does. I've come to terms with that. But no matter how many drugs I took or how much sex I had, nothing made the difference," he breaks finally looking up to meet my eyes again. Somewhere along the way, his hands found mine.

"And then I was introduced to Jax."

Although I have been listening closely to every word he has said yet, my ears involuntarily perk up at the name and my attention heightens to new levels.