blue (book one) - h.s. ✔️ watty's 2019

chapter 98

I haven't been able to sleep tonight. How do you fall asleep when the innocent victim of your lover's attempted murder is lying right beside him? Harry's warm, hard body is pressed against the back of my body conjoining the both of us in a spooned position. Baby Nolan, like myself, is wide awake staring at nothing. He's so peaceful and calm looking up at the white ceiling blankly. I haven't been able to take my eyes off him.

Is this why I'm without sleep?

With the hand that's not crushed under his light weight, I softly glide my fingertips over his distended belly. He looks surprised at the sudden contact fluttering softly in response. He's such a good baby. I tense when I hear the rough boy's low moan from above my head. Tightening his one hand hold on my waist, he pulls me closer into his brief-clad body unconsciously still lightly snoring on top of my head.

The twin mattress is too small for the three of us. If it weren't for Harry's strong grip on my waist and Nolan's tiny body taking up room for me to turn, I surely would have trouble staying on the bed.

We had to rent out the cheapest, nearest hotel room for tonight. With the rest of the little I brought for what is supposed to be 'an amazing getaway', I had to buy little Nolan formula, diapers, and a new pacifier since everything was destroyed in the old house. I don't know how to ask my parents for more money. Sure, they have more than enough, but their suspicions will only grow if I keep on. I can't let them know about any of this until things sort themselves out. What has my life come to? I've been trying not to think about college. As far as I'm concerned, my attention at least for this upcoming semester is nonexistent. My hopes aren't too dim, however. I remember reading somewhere about quality online classes for students at the university. I'll have to check into those. Harry will not be of any help. He doesn't even want the baby! I could give it up for adoption or something, but my heart won't let me. This child had already been through so much. I refuse to let it grow up in the system moving from foster home to foster home. I've seen it happen way too much. I feel like a teenage mother that's deciding whether or not to keep the baby, only that she has a choice.

Deep down Harry wants this baby, and I want him to want the little ball of joy. Nolan is his nephew for crying out loud! He's already lost his father, is losing his mum, and now lost his sister. I'm not sure about his extended family, or even if they live in the States, but this beautiful boy is the only family he has left here. I think Harry realizes that. He's just so. . . angry.

I don't ever want to see him like how he was earlier today. I'm not sure if I can take it. I love him way too much to bare seeing him like that; he was so detached.

I'm not sure about a lot of things nowadays.

Gemma abandoned her own baby. She left him to be with us. I don't know it to be the truth, but something deep within me is telling me that she eventually would've left the little boy whether or not we were there. In her letter, she mentioned a boy named Rodney, I think. I wonder if that's Nolan's father. Not even he wanted the gorgeous baby?

Nolan's gentle movements break me from my troubled thoughts. He's taken my hand, well my forefinger, in his tiny hand trying to take control of the body part. He looks up at me scrunching his little brows as he tries to understand my long fingers. When I press a little harder on his belly, dipping into his bellybutton, he lightly smiles in pleasure, or the closest thing to a smile at this age. He's so small. My smile quickly shifts to a frown at the thought of the little boy being hurt. I can't excuse Harry's behavior today, but I also can't blame him? I don't know. There's no light in painting him a bad guy moving forward. He will surely push away if I do. Somehow, I have to show him that this baby is every bit of him and more. His vision is just so clouded by his anger and the betrayal of his sister.

With his tiny hand, he latches on to my face making me laugh quietly. I feel Harry shuffle behind me making me tense slightly. Letting out a breath, I softly shift his tiny body on the pillow he's laying on. Actually, it should be about time for another bottle. I carefully unwrap Harry's long arm from around my waist, eliciting a low groan from the brute. With Nolan securely in my hands, I walk across the cold floor involuntarily rubbing the boy's back. Grabbing the black bag I purchased before we got here, I grab his formula, bib, baby bottle and a clean diaper.

Thankfully, the small hotel room we are in comes with a changing table. I know that I've said it before, but the little blond-haired baby is the easiest baby to ever exist. He's so resilient and compliant with change. His formula, setting, voice he's become accustomed to, have all been changed, yet he's managed to roll with the punches seamlessly. Newborns should not adapt to so many changes so quickly. After I'm sure his diaper is secure I change him into his cute, little onesie before feeding him. The one thing that he does that's more than normal for a baby his age is eat. The boy guzzles milk like an overweight kitten. It makes me so happy to see that his weight is leveling out.

After a nice, healthy burp he's finally ready to go to sleep. I don't return back to bed as he enjoys being carried around. I hum quietly to myself and the little baby aware that the subtle vibration of my voice through my chest will help calm him to sleep. Similar to his mother's talking voice all that time in the womb. As expected, his long eyelashes begin to flutter to sleep until only light snores emit from the baby.