blue (book one) - h.s. ✔️ watty's 2019

chapter 92

Parker fell out about an hour ago. He was constantly complaining of an intense pain in his lower back, so I crushed up two Ibuprofens in his water before sleep. I've never had sex with him like that before. I was so. . . detached from reality. Everything about that was primal in its orginal sense. I could tell he was shocked, but pleasured as he dirtied the both of our bodies. He presented himself so distant in the bath afterwards. This only surprises me slightly however. Normally, he'd be much more talktative? After sex. I was comforted by one characteristic of the blue-eyed boy that has stayed true since the beginning our relationship: he's always thinking.

Unlike him, I haven't been able to fall alseep soundly. I've been up ever since trying to make sense of tonight's revelations. None of it makes sense to me. Gem's timeline doesn't make sense. I have so many question regarding her disappearance, but I'm pretty sure that after tonight's erm, um, outburst, she wants nothing to do with me. Thankfully, Parker was there to calm things down before I said, or did something I'd regret ever. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life: doing things I regret.

Though his awake presence would be more than comforting right now, I'm glad he's sleeping. The smoke from the cigarette in my mouth would surely irritate him. Not to mention the cigarette. My back is slowly starting to ache from the hunched position I'm in. My body is positioned on the edge, facing away from the bed, of one of the twin matresse's longer sides. My feet are cold on the wooden floor and my exposed flesh is lightly decked with an array of goosebumps. Standing up, I pull the briefs carelessly tossed aside up to fit snug against my body. I knock the leftover ashes into the small water bottle on the side of the nightstand beside the bed before walking out into the hallway to use the restroom. I walk passed the baby's room, the door slightly ajar before making it into the restroom. It's hard to believe that I have a nephew. That I've had a nephew for several months now that I had no idea about. Like Gem, I can't even look at the small infant. It's presence disgusts me in so many ways. Babies shouldn't be born from stupid, preventable mistakes. Gem says that the father stopped being in her or its life early on in the gestation period. With this knowledge, I don't understand why it's still here.

When I get back into my old room, for the first time I notice the history of a world I was once content with living in. Old baseball gloves, bats, and cards cover the excessive white spaces in the small room. As if I had been living here all alone, my old clothes are strewn carelessly about in the same messy disorder I left this wretched place in. At the time, this seemed like the perfect place to rid Parker of my dark past, but as it turns out, so much is unraveling from visiting the childhood home. It'd be too rude for us to leave now. Of course, I could care less about the girl's feelings, but I'd surely be moving backwards in the eyes of the one I love.

Fuck.

Why is everything so fucking complicated now? Every single day of my existence to date has been filled with unsuspected surprises - whether they be good or bad. I guess, that's really the point of living, but should not he good outweight the bad? Life is so fucking backwards, man. There's no way this is epitome of my existence; there has to be more to life than this.

I groan lowly, rubbing my hands over my face. My attention focuses back on the one who has changed my life since he's first stepped into it. It's unbelievable that I have been handed a second chance to make shit better between us. For fucking once, it's my turn to receive blessing in this Godforsaken space called Earth. Despite my immediate drawing too his petite frame, I feel compelled to at least see my baby nephew. I've gotten a glimpse of him since being within these four walls, but I'm the only one who still hasn't held him.

Again, the floor is cold against the bottoms of my feet. I regret not slipping on socks before walking out of the room for a second time, but it'd bearable, I guess. I stop, holding my breath, in front of the only door slightly open in the small house. I've never really been the biggest fan of the small, incapable humans. I can't really understand there constant need to be nurtured all the time. Huh. I guess, I've become a hypocrite.

Opening the rest of the door gives way to a very bland, lifeless altered form of what was once my father's study. The bookshelves once filled with books and small artifacts in relation to those books are now destroyed with baby shit. Pampers, bottles, formula, all fill the emptiness of the shelves.

My attention is everywhere but the small bundle of matter until it is. It looks so peaceful sleeping. I've actually never been around a baby. Gem was the closest thing to the loud creature I have ever known until now. It's actually quite adorable sleeping with its mouth slightly open; tiny snores escaping from its little body. I almost want to pick it up and caress it until the lights in the small space come on.

"When he's angry or fussy his nonexistent eyebrows draw together like yours. I never really made the connection until last night," her light voice carries frightening me. My head quickly whips around coming face to face with the broken image of my sister.

"I was just leaving," I start, clenching my fist on both sides of my body. I glare at her harshly as I begin to walk out of the room. I can feel my anger towards her resurfacing, and without the small boy around, I don't trust myself to be alone with her right now.

"Hazza, please," she cries quietly, placing her frail hand on my chest stopping me.

"Don't touch me."

In complete opposition to the startled look I'd normally receive after making such a claim, she puffs out her chest stepping closer. It's rather uncomfortable being this close to my sister, but she doesn't seem bothered by it. Without dropping her bold stance, she brings her hand up to my face hesitantly. Unmoving, my face contorts into a look confusion, but I don't do anything to step away from her.

"You've always been the spitting image of Anne."

I flinch inwardly of her rather rude proclamation of our mum's actual name, but keep myself from speaking on it. She removes herself from my personal space, realizing how close she got, before walking over to check on her baby.

"You'd really like him if you just gave him the chance. The universe favors me. He's like you in so many ways, Hazza."

"Th- that shit is nothing like me," I start causing her to flinch.

"You're out of your mind if you think I'm going to accept that abomination into my family. You're a slut, Gemma. If dad were still competent and here, he'd beat the crap out of you for bringing that into this world. Ironically, I pity you and it. If the universe truly showed you favor, it would strike the both of you down and put you out of your misery. But I guess that'd be too kind, wouldn't it? Perhaps it does have mercy."