blue (book one) - h.s. ✔️ watty's 2019

chapter 85

I've been driving aimlessly for the past hour. Despite my words back there, I don't know where to go. I have no money at the moment due to the debt I'm slowly paying off to my parents. Kate's tank is nearly on empty. I just want to be alone right now. I'm not sure that I have the strength to take anymore hurt. Mentally, I'm absolutely terrified of people, society. It's quite disheartening to say the least. With every passing car or passenger that I've seen on the road, I have internally flinched as if I were about to be hit. Slowly, I'm becoming more and more paranoid. It's like I'm unable to trust anyone: Harry, Jax, Amy, Alex, everyone! It scares me to try to fathom the endless possibilities number of people that are involved in this. Though nothing has been said, I fear for my relationship with Katherine. It's horrible of me for me to assume the worst of her, but there's absolutely no one that I can trust.The more that I try to make sense of things the more that my mind slowly slips into darkness. It's as if I've become a hermit, hiding from society. No, I haven't been thinking about tonight's events. My mind has placed this mental block that's stopping me from reliving everything: protecting me. However, my body feels like it's dead from exhaustion. I haven't been at rest since before yesterday morning. All of the energy I had has been sapped from my body. I don't even feel like I'm living right now - similar to an out of body experience.

I don't know where I'm going. It's too early in the morning for anything to be open right now. And everyone I want to be around is probably fast asleep at this hour.

How long had Harry and I been fighting?

I feel alone. I feel betrayed by everyone around me. Slowly but surely, I'm slipping into a deluded madness. It's getting harder to believe if anything in the past couple of months has been real. Traveling across America, Iceland, losing my virg. . . Ugh! I just feel so stupid. My mind has been taking me down my past times with the troubled boy, but not anywhere can I see this coming; there's no way love took away this much of my sight. Ironically, the darkness of the night is making it nearly impossible to see anything. The light in Kate's headlights have been dying out for a few weeks now. I guess I should be used to this.

The sound of my phone buzzing breaks me out of the droned daze I've entered. My mom's caller ID flashes across the screen on my phone. I don't want to deal with her right now. I don't have the strength in me to muster up normality; she'd for sure suspect something is going on. I allow the phone to ring to voicemail, reveling in the new quietness.

My parents. They've never really liked Harry. No, I'm sure my dad hates him. I guess he saw something that I had been blind too. Stupidly, the thought of my parents not liking the boy still makes me want to reshape his image; to make him better for them. I resent myself for wanting to help him. He obviously could care less how I'm seen in the eye's of others. Gosh!

School.

I can't go back there. Even if everyone I know outside of my more immediate friends are dumb to the events of tonight, there's no way that they won't find out. I've always heard stories of Psi acting out horrid ceremonies involving innocent girls and guys, but never did I ever think it'd surmount to this. This will no doubt be the talk of the large college. I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to this, to anything.

The sound of my phone ringing loudly and buzzing uncontrollably scares me slightly.
Without thinking, I slide my finger across the clean screen to answer it.

"Hi, hon," my mom's voice beams, shocking me. I've answered her FaceTime. As usual, she looks stunning. Wrongly, I grow jealous of my own parent's gentle relationship. My dad married her right out of highschool, and they've been together ever since. Their kind of love feels unobtainable now. I once believed that maybe Harry and I could be as happy as the two, but as tonight has proven, shit changes.

"Parker, dear, are you crying?"

Instantly, my body tenses.

How is she able to see me in this dark vehicle? I haven't even picked up the phone!

I quickly flip the phone over to try and fix myself up before speaking to her. There's no point in just hanging up on her now. She's alarmed. In the dark, but alarmed. I curse myself silently for my loud sniffles. This darkness is nearly impossible; I can't see a thing. Without thinking, I reach down below the dashboard to grab a tissue from the tissue box. Well, I guess that is one thing I'm thankful for: the girl's preparedness. My mom's voice sounds increasingly worried on the opposite end of the call.

This stupid tissue won't come out!

Then, as if I've been stabbed, drowned, and blinded my world pauses. You never know how it feels to live life in slow motion until you've lived life in slow motion.

The headlights from the truck in front of me consume my vision entirely. My hands latch on to the steering wheel in front of me unable to steer with control. Both of my feet press down on the small brake. Instantly, flashes of only the last six months take over my mind. I can hear my mom's now loud and shrill voice breaking out in hysterics, but her language is incomprehensible. The sound of mine and the other driver's tires screeching against the hard ground is deafening. My cries are blood curdling within the enclosed car. I continue screaming loudly, not helping the situation, until everything goes pitch black.