blue (book one) - h.s. ✔️ watty's 2019

chapter 65

"I owe that man my life," he breathes much more sedate now.

"He showed me how to rebuild myself when I was sure that I could never recover from what had happened. He toughened me up," he chuckles lighly, probably contemplating on a memory between the two.

When his eyes return back to me they are serious again.

"There was no way I was able to redo the past, but he showed me a new side of life that could help at least mend some of it. A side that I was honestly, completely opposed to when entering college: Psi Upsilon," he continues pausing slightly before announcing the fraternity.

He chuckles to himself before continuing in a lighter tone. "I mean look at me. What good would a black, skinny jean-wearing punk like myself be to a fraternity?"

I laugh slightly as he acknowledges the one thing that has bothered me since I found out he was in a frat.

"For a while it felt good to be a part of something that was focused on doing positive things. We raised for fundraisers, participated in several other events throughout my first year, including March Madness. I even started to wear those blasted, little Polo shorts," he continues, cringing at the memory. I laugh unable to see Harry wearing the incredibly short bottoms.

"Then, I saw her again,"

"Amy," he announces as if I was unaware of the raven-haired girl.

"At a party that my closest buds at the time - Niall and Derek - were throwing to celebrate for our fraternity reaching a financial goal or something. But this time, all of the anxiety and hurt and pain that I would get from seeing her in the past weren't there. I was ready to move on and fix what I had broken between us," he claims looking sure of his actions not too long ago.

"We ended up fucking that night," he blurts, this time apologizing for his language.

"I wanted her to know that I was sorry and that she'd never have to worry about me hurting her in any other way." I, once again, grow uneasy at the image of him and Amy being together in that way, but I push down the jealousy as this is him righting his wrongs. Anyways, I guess I'm just going to have get used to this sort of thing - apparently, he's been with an entire sorority.

"Once I was. . . done," he speaks hesitantly looking to downplay his aggresive language for my sake.

"She wanted something I could never give her - she wanted all of me. She started to speak of titles and closure and a lot of the things you pester me about constantly," he claims seeming to just realize the similarity.

"So, I-,"

"Ran," I finish for him catching him off guard. He smiles apologetically glancing at me before carrying on.

"Yes, I ran. But not before making it clear that I could never give her what I'm trying to give you," he speaks softly, taking my hands in his own at this.

"To this day, she still is expecting something from me, I guess. I don't know. I just can't afford to mess up again. I've already done enough. To her and to you," he speaks vaguely. I'm unsure as to what he means when he says this, but it doesn't matter. I've just been dropped a bombshell of information painting more clearly the man before me.

A few moments of silence pass between us before I realize that he's done with his story, waiting for me to speak. But, I can't. I don't know what to say to him. He seems to realize this placing a kiss on my forehead before breaking the silence.

"I don't need you to speak, baby," he begins.

"I just need to know that we are okay." I don't speak for a moment. I can't speak. My mind is racing at a thousand miles per second. It's all too much. I can't help but feel sorry for Amy. She fell in love and he didn't. She got attached as he grew apart. I can now understand her aggressiveness towards me, even if it's not directly linked to me. Harry was wrong for leaving her without closure for so long. It's obviously taken a toll on her.

"Blue?"

The combination of the meaningful nickname and the slight break in his voice as he utters it breaks me out of a trance I didn't know I was in. I look at him to see intense, hopeful eyes staring directly at me. He has moved closer to me, but hasn't touched me yet: afraid to touch me.

I continue to say nothing as I lean into kiss his soft lips. The kiss is light and simple and eager. Unlike any other kiss we've shared in the past. My mind is crowded completely with new information and unanswered questions that I will for sure have to ask - but at some other time. All I want right now is for Harry to know that he's not a monster.

Are there some things that he's done that have been seriously disturbing? Sure. But that goes without saying.

We all have our demons; some more than others. But that doesn't mean I should stop loving someone, because of a past they're ashamed of. The fact that they are ashamed of it shows that they have grown from it. That he won't do it again. I'm sure, no I'm positive, Harry regrets his past. I see it in the way he treats me. You can't continue to beat an old, broken soul. Nor is it smart to join it. But you can help it to heal and make sure that it doesn't fall into the same, dark pattern. I'm sure Harry will want to tell me the gruesome details of what he had done when he's ready.

When he's done more good than bad and feels that he's grown from his mistakes, and is in a much better place, I'm sure. Despite all of this, I know one thing to be radiantly true now more than ever.

He's so much more different now than he was in the past.