blue (book one) - h.s. ✔️ watty's 2019

chapter 28

Hot. Breathless. Confused.

My mind is buzzing with numbness from the kiss. He kissed me. My lips are swollen and sore to the touch. I can't get the feeling of his rough hands touching me out of my head as I helplessly just watch him collect his things to leave.

What did I do?

I want to yell at him to stay, but my voice has plans of its own.

I want to run after him, but my body is frozen in place.

My breathing is jagged from the kiss. I'm unable to concentrate, but I'm sure that my face is as red as ever. I can literally feel everything right now. From the subtle sweat waiting to descend down my forehead to the blatant change of atmosphere after the kiss.

I'm frozen completely until he closes the door and the roar of his truck engine ignites something within me. Not thinking, I fix my shirt that he pushed up my torso and slide on my sandals before chasing after him. I rush to the door and fumble with the nob, cursing myself for my clumsiness.

By the time I have the door open, he's already out of the driveway and down the road. His head doesn't look back as the sound of his truck fades into the quiet neighborhood.

I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. Everything was so perfect. That moment was everything and more.

His rough hands exploring every inch of my body. His mouth was so hot and now that I think about it, I'm relieved he took control of the kiss because I had no idea what I was doing.

As if I forgot what just happened I grow elated at one simple fact.

He kissed me. He actually kissed me! What does this mean? Does he have feelings for me? Is the guy he talked about back in the cave himself?

So many questions flood my troubled brain and it's hard to determine what's real and what's fake. My head instantly starts to pound from the invasion of thoughts. I place my hand on my forehead lightly, closing the door and then leaning against it to make sense of what just happened. Sliding to the floor, my bottom harshly hits the wooden surface. My breathing is still somehow remarkably uneven from our passionate exchange. I don't know what happened.

But one thing I know for sure is that Harry kissed me.

I always knew that he was fond of me, but I never thought of it passed simple kindness. I started to believe our relationship was evolving into what I have with Alex - that's all. But he kissed me!

"And he ran."

Immediately, my mood dampens and my once crowded mind is now silent and empty. The little voice brings me back to the reality of things and I start beating myself up for not having any experience. I messed up! But what was it?

He's probably had a thousand kisses by now. And I'm sure that they were all incredible until his with me. Flashes of faceless girls making what I just did look like slop flood my vision.

I feel stupid for doing so, but I check my breath.

The action makes me hate myself even more and I close my eyes real tight to fight the tears that are coming.

I don't understand him. After my brain calms down I can't help but realize that my subconscious is right. He ran from me. I caused him to leave. He was obviously just in the moment and I was the only available person around, so he kissed me.

The thought hurts me and the tears I'm holding back grow heavier against my lids. I know I'm being dramatic, but I just don't understand what's happening.

I feel dirty.

I stare at the door for minutes with the deluded idea that he'll be back any second, giving me another chance. Pathetic.

Tear stained cheeks and all, I make myself around his flat and clean up a bit before hopping in the shower. The couch that held two hot bodies just seconds ago is the most disheveled. I pick up several pillows that fell to the floor, placing them back in their positions. When I'm done cleaning the living room I give one last, pathetic glance at the door for. . . I don't know.

Throughout the entirety of my shower all I can think about is how disgusting I am for thinking this was anything but a mistake. Nothing I do or force myself to think of stops the honest voice in my head from captivating my attention.

"He's been with tons of girls."

"You were just convenient for him."

"Why would you make yourself look so easy? You played with his head."

The last one hurts me in an entirely different way. Did I force myself into him?  I can't seem to remember anything before the kiss. When I try to think back on it my mind just goes blank. I feel sick to my stomach at the possibility.

What did I do?

I force my thoughts away before I start to cry again. I skip all of normal shower rituals suddenly too tired to do anything more than what's necessary. When I walk back out into the cold hallway I begin to shiver instantly at the chilling temperature of his flat.

I don't bother to mess with the thermometer as I take a seat back down in the living room. It's truly incredible! I can't remember a thing before the kiss. The tears brimming my eyes fall slowly to my right ear once I'm lying down on the couch.

I can't think.

I can't sleep despite my tired body.

So, I just wait patiently for Harry to come back. Clearly delusional at this point, I'm no longer cold and my mind is no longer crowded.

Just empty.

After what feels like half an hour of me staring blankly into space I go to check the digital clock in the kitchen and am surprised to see that two hours have elapsed.

Where has the time gone?

Feeling my eyes grow heavier and heavier I brush my teeth before I get too tired to do so and make my way back to the living room.

I should've never allowed for this to happen.

I curl up on the couch in a fetal position and cry myself to sleep.