Clace (Liberty High School) (Completed)

43. The Worst Part

Author's Note: Do NOT read if you have triggers from sexual abuse.

Clarissa

Millions of thoughts are running through my head as I pretend to be sleeping in Jace's arms. Why did he do this to me? Why doesn't he care? He...he knew I wasn't ready! How....how far did he..hurt me? The last thing I remember was seeing....Him. Then....I must've blacked out to protect myself. Why is this happening again? No, this isn't happening again! This is SO much worse than Sebastian, Jonathan, or....Valentine. Jace made me feel better about my body, he told me I was beautiful, and he told me he'd NEVER pressure me! What do I do? I've got to get away from him, but we're in a hotel room? Where are we again? Oh come in Clarissa! Pull it together! I refuse to open my eyes and take in my surroundings. I don't want to see, and I definitely don't want Jace to know I'm awake. He slides out of my arms and heads to the bathroom. This is my chance! I can run and get away from him! But....he knows where I live. He...knows everywhere I'd go to hide from him because he knows me. And that....that's what hurts the most; Jace knows me. He knows everything I've been through. If in run, he'll just find me. When I ran from....Valentine, he would always punish me and make it worse. No, I can't run. Maybe....he'll let me break up with him. Yeah! He can go and have fun with any girls he wants! I won't have to go through....that everytime he's needy. It's a win win! I'll purpose this to him when he "wakes me up." If....if he tries to again, I HAVE to fight back. I can't go into flashbacks or black out! Like I have any control over that! Easier said than done...it's my brains way of keeping me safe! Ugh! I have to fight it! So to summarize, I have to fight my own mind to stay present as the man I thought cared about me rapes me, and oh yeah I have to fight him off too. Oh, it seems like a walk in the park Clarissa! Ugh! But...I have to. I can't let him win! I can't let all of this be for nothing. I knew I wasn't worth anything! I never should've even tried to have a romantic relationship with a boy. He knows I'm docile, cowardly, worthless, whimpy, and pathetic. He knows I don't deserve to be cared for! He....knows he can...hurt me whenever he wants and I'll never tell the police, because I'm too...ashamed. He....he knows I'm already broken. Okay, he's probably going to "wake you up" soon. You've got to be ready to fight! A little voice whispers in my head, "Don't fight! It'll only make it worse!" And I'm so confused and mixed up, I must black out.

I resurface to Jace on top of me. Really while I was sleeping! I can't let him do this! And just like that the decision is made; I'd rather be beaten a thousand times, then let him have his way with me! "Get off of me! Get off!" I cry and thrash my arms and legs.