Clace (Liberty High School) (Completed)

21. ?

Shout out to BellaSH13 and MackenzieTaylor568

Clarissa

I can't believe Jace is going to kiss me. As Jace's lips find mine, I involuntarily stiffen. "Red....I'm so sorry.....I....I...didn't mean it......I....didn't mean to.....I...just....I've got to go." Jace says and bolts out of the bathroom.

He...he didn't mean to. He didn't meant to kiss me. He.....he just got caught up in the moment, yeah. But.....he was so gentle and he took his time. You probably messed it up! Maybe your breath stank. Maybe....once he saw you up close he realized it was a mistake. Maybe...he just got caught up in the moment. Maybe...you're just so unattractive that Jace regretted his decision. I thought......he wanted to kiss me. Ugh! Of course he didn't want to kiss you. He doesn't like you! He's seen your scars and he...knows what your father did. He probably keeps being your friend because Izzy is and he doesn't want it to be awkward between the two of you. He never will like you! He knows how your body looks. Your skin probably nauseates him. You may always feel dirty, but Jace sees you as dirty. You're just a useless, ugly, disgusting, docile, cowardly, worthless, whimpy, and pathetic girl, my father's words replay. I never understood why my dad called me all of those things. I was a little girl, and I'd never misbehaved.

My mom and dad fought a LOT! After hiding under my bed, I would cuddle with my bear and cry in his fur. Being a four year old, all I knew is that I wanted it to stop. Months and months of the constant (verbal) fighting occurred, and one day, my mom came in to my room. She sat on my bed and as tears rolled down her face, she announced, "Mommy and daddy just don't get along. It's....not your fault. Daddy's gonna move into a new house. You'll still see him, but you're going to stay with me."

"Mommy, I don't want you and daddy to fight anymore," I cried.

"I'm sorry baby, we just can't do this anymore. We both love you and you're always going to be our baby girl," Mom explained.

"It...it's okay mommy," I managed between sobs. I knew it wasn't going to be okay, but I wanted mommy to feel better. Litttle did I know...okay would NEVER again be a word to describe my life. After mommy left, my daddy came in.

"Hi daddy!" I exclaimed happily. I hadn't seen him, since he went to work early that day.

"Your mother told you," Valentine replied sharply.

"Yes daddy," I responded. Without any notice, he walked out of my room. I cried for a while and thought maybe I said the wrong thing.

When he didn't come over on my next birthday or Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter or any special occasions, I figured he was mad at mom. Then....when I was visiting on his weekend...he hit me for taking too long to eat my dinner. He started telling me I was the reason him and mom got a divorce. Being five, I didn't really know what to believe. I was going to ask mom, but he told me he'd kill her, if I told.

The next few times...it was only his hand. After he was done, I'd go and cry on my pillow in my room. Eventually, he found other things to use, like belts, paddles, etc. Then, there was the night when I tried to hide.....

Maybe...maybe I really am just  useless, ugly, disgusting, docile, cowardly, worthless, whimpy, and pathetic. Maybe that's why Jace immediately regretted that kiss. He realized how much better he was and just.....left. I'm definitely disgusting, Valentine made sure of that. He made sure no once could ever love me. Docile and pathetic, well I have issues when people are too close to me.....so check. I have to stop myself from freaking out, whenever someone touches me. Cowardly, whimpy, and pathetic....ummmm....I still have nightmares and sometimes...I pee myself. Ugly....everyone thinks I'm ugly! Pathetic...the only boy whose ever liked me is a drunk. Worthless...am I worth anything to anyone? Would anyone care if I disappeared? Would anyone be sad in my absence?

My mom would be sad for a while. She'd probably be better off in the long run. One less mouth to feed. No college students loans. Izzy would just make a new friend who's probably better than me anyway. Alec would miss me for like a second and then be like, who's Clarissa. Simon would miss me for a while. It might me difficult for him, but he'll have Izzy there to help him. And Jace....how would Jace feel, if I disappeared. Would he be...relieved? Sad? Happy to not have to pretend to be my friend? Would he even notice? Would he get caught up in some girl and forget that I existed, let alone was missing? Would anyone want me to come back? Would it be easier without me? Better off even? Maybe.....it wouldn't matter.

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I do not own any of the Mortal Instruments books, materials, etc. All credit belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Author's Note:
This is my first fanfic. I hope you guys like it! Please leave comments, votes, and feedback. I'm going to update, when I'm done and it'll be random.

Originally posted: 1/16/18