Clace (Liberty High School) (Completed)

49. The Processing

Author's Note: Warning The 100 season 4 last episode spoilers. If you don't want to read it, there are ● at the beginning and end.

Clarissa

"I...I...Red...I don't," Jace begins.

I can't bare it. No, I was stupid! I shouldn't have asked him! But, I can't bare him telling me no, so I interrupt. "I...It's okay Jace. I...I get it. Y.....you don't want to go there with me. It...it's okay."

"It...it's not like that," Jace begins and sits up. I can't listen to whatever explanation he has for this.

"I..I've got to get going anyways. You know with school tomorrow and all. Tuesday has been a long day. I'm really tired, I'd better get going," I reply. Stupid girl! My father's words ring in my head.

"Please let me explain, it's not that I don't want to, it's just," Jace tries.

"Really Jace, I've got to go," I snap. I walk out of Jace's room and into Alec's room.

"Hey Alec, would you please give me a ride home?" Please say yes! Please say yes!

"Sure Clarissa, just give me a minute," Alec replies.

"Thank you, I'll be by your car," I smile and walk out of his room. Why did I ask Jace to take it a step further? We were finally in a good place! We were honest, open, and happy. But...but I ruined it! Just like I ruin everything. Alec comes out and drives me home. My mom is at work late tonight.

I get out, "Thanks Alec," I say.

"Hey Clarissa, for whatever Jace did, I'm sorry," Alec replies. How did he know? We haven't gone public yet! God, are we even dating? I mean I broke up with him and then we made out. What if he thinks I'm a slut or something? I decide to just say thank you and go inside.

"Thanks, Alec," I manage. He waves and drives away.

I get into my house and lock the door. Quickly, I make my way to the freezer to find the double fudge moose tracks. I grab a spoon and make my way to my room. As I eat the ice cream, all of these horrible thought come to me. What if I did to Jace what he's always worried he'll do to me? What if I pushed him too far? What if he wasn't ready and it didn't feel right for him? What if he didn't want go that far? What if he hates me? What if I've messed everything up? What if my dad was right? What if I don't deserve what Jace and I have? Or had? My tears fall in sheets at my last thought. Is it over between us? I mean technically I broke up with him, after the whole Kaelie and Jace thing. What if he doesn't find me attractive enough? Like maybe men have to be really attracted to you to kiss your neck? Maybe it's like one of those unspoken rules. Like when Jace asks before he lays me down. I mean obviously I want to make out with him, but he still asks. Maybe to be kissed on the neck, the guy has to ask? Maybe I took the initiative and I shouldn't have? Maybe were not supposed to talk about it and just let it happen naturally and in its own time? I wish I knew about this kind of stuff! Ma...maybe I should let Jace go and be with someone more experienced. Someone who understands all of the unspoken rules. Someone's who's more attractive.

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I eat my ice cream out of the carton, and put on The 100. It's the last episode of the 4th season, when Clarke gives up her chance at survival to make sure Bellamy and her friends are safe on the spaceship. Just as Clarke hooks up the last cord. When Bellamy and her friends finally decide they're going to leave her. As the realization that Clake is dead because they can't wait for her hits them and they're all in horrible anguish.

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I thought it would help distract me, but it's only giving me feels! I decide to get some rest. I slowly traipse down the stairs to return the ice cream. Making my way back to my room I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Jace

"I...I...Red...I don't," I try. Shit! Shit!Shit! What do I do? I mean, I don't know if I can? What if I mess up? What if I hurt her?

"I...It's okay Jace. I...I get it. Y.....you don't want to go there with me. It...it's okay," Red replies. What am I supposed to do? I..it's not like that, it's just that I....I'm scared? Nervous? Not ready?

"It...it's not like that," I reply and sit up. How am I supposed to explain if I don't even know why?

"I..I've got to get going anyways. You know with school tomorrow and all. Tuesday has been a long day. I'm really tired, I'd better get going," Red manages.

"Please let me explain, it's not that I don't want to, it's just," I begin. I can't finish because I don't even know why! Ugh! I can't explain it! I'm just an idiot! A sad pathetic stupid idiot!

"Really Jace, I've got to go," Red insists. She walks out of my room, but I don't chase her. I...I can't bare to face her! I can't see her eyes with that look of disappointment? Fear? Uncertainty? The look that I've given her by being a pansy. I want to go her, but what if she doesn't even want to see me? What kind of thoughts are running through her head because of me? What if she doesn't want me anymore? What if that's why she left, just like my mom did? What if I'm just not good enough? Bottom of the line, lowest person on the totem pole, not good enough to have a real relationship with?

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I do not own any of the Mortal Instruments books, materials, etc. All credit belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Author's Note:
This is my first fanfic. I hope you guys like it! Please leave comments, votes, and feedback. I'm going to update, when I'm done and it'll be random.

Originally posted: 2/21/18