Playing With Fire || d.h

11. Date with Destiny

Your POV

I decide now's the time to do something that may possibly be my biggest fear. I have to tell PJ everything. Or at least, as much as I need to.

Before I'm really ready, we break away from each other, yet PJ still keeps his arms around me.

"I need to talk to you," I breathe. He nods silently, and we go to the couch. I sit with my legs crossed, and he's on the edge of the seat, his hands crossed on his lap, a stoney look on his face. I try to start talking multiple times, but each time I know I'm about to start crying, and stop. However, when I realize there's no way I'll be able to do this and still keep my eyes dry, I give up on that idea. If I'm going to become so vulnerable around him, I might as well go all the way.

"I... I have extreme anxiety," I start. "And it's kind of terrifying, because I can't really do anything without worrying about having an attack, or sometimes I can't even get myself out of the door." I wait for PJ to say something, ignoring the tears on my face. Instead of saying anything, however, he only looks at me with a comprehensive look on his face, so I continue on.

I talk about just about everything. My anxiety, my depression, my eating disorder, my drug use, my assault, everything. No, I don't go into detail about everything, as there are some things no one needs to know. And he only listens, he nods at all the right times, and lets out the occasional "uh, huh" to show that he understands, but other than that he lets me let the words spill out. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I become less embarrassed about me crying, and completely ignored how my voice was cracking and whining like a three year old. After about forty five minutes, I finally run out of things to say.

"And... I'm just so scared," I cry, "I didn't want anyone to know, I thought if I didn't say anything, I could just leave it all behind me." I stop of a second, catching my breath. "The closer I become with you guys, the more worried I become, though. Because you are the best things I've ever had in my life, and I couldn't lose you. I just couldn't." I sob. "And... part of me insisted that if any of you found out who I really was, everything would change, or you would just leave altogether."

PJ seems to be pondering something, sorting his thoughts into a straight line. Finally, he sighs, and looks me dead in the eyes.

"You're not going to lose me," he states softly. My insides shrink when I see his eyes redden and gloss over, and a single droplet rolls down his cheek. "Never...never," he adds in a hoarse whisper. "I don't care about your past, I care about who you are now. You're smart, and witty, and awkwardly beautiful," he smiles weakly. "I don't care what you think, to me, you are perfect."

I let out a sound between a squeak and a wounded animal, and lurch toward him. I wrap my arms tightly around him, and he does the same, and I snuggle my head into his chest, and we sit like that for a very long time.

~~~

Dan, Phil, Pj and I are currently sitting in Dan and Phil's apartment, Phil and PJ vigorously playing against each other in a violent game of Mario Kart. They've gotten so into it, they're both standing right in front of the TV, leaving Dan and I sitting on the couch, only able to see half the screen at the time. After days of feeling as if Dan and I are slowly drifting apart, I keep glancing at him, or making unsuccessful attempts at a conversation. His usual reaction is a half-hearted reply, then going back on his phone. Actually, he's been sitting on his phone ten times more than usual, basically ignoring everything else going on around him.

"HA! IN YOUR FACE, LOSER!" I nearly jump out of my skin as Phil screams, pointing his finger centimeters from PJ, a wicked smile on his face. PJ only shrugs, gives Phil a good sportsman-like pat on the back, and sits down on the ottoman.