Playing With Fire || d.h

61. Talk less, smile more

The next week goes by in a haze. Making videos, calls with Dan either early in the morning or late at night, hanging out with Dodie and her friends.

Day 22: Lyon, France

Dan is in fucking France. What the actual hell.

I spent the first ten years of my life fantasizing about going to Paris. I would read books about Paris, I had drawings taped all over the moldy walls I shared with my family, I even tried to teach myself French. Now I honestly couldn't care less about the city, but the fact that it was something I could hold onto in my childhood, something that helped me survive, gives it a novelty I couldn't find anywhere else. I know Lyon isn't anywhere near Paris, but that doesn't get rid of the heavy weight sitting in my stomach.

I pull my knees to my chest as I sit in bed, listening to Dodie singing and playing her ukulele from the other side of the wall. I start dissociating, my emotions floating out of the room. I don't even know where this came from, but I let it happen. I don't try to ground myself, because sometimes I need a break from my emotions, anyway. So I don't do anything, not even move. Invisible cotton stuffs itself in my ear. I feel like giving up. Giving up what, I don't know. I just don't want to be here.

Day 23: Ghent, Belgium

"One week!" Dodie shouts as I step out of the bathroom, wet hair dripping down my back. I love the time straight out of the shower, when I get a big whiff of shampoo every time I move my head.

"Finally," I sigh. I know Dan and Phil's gonna be back in Manchester in five days, but they won't be in London until the next day, and I won't be able to see him until after the show, which won't be until late at night.

"Do you think the London show is sold out?" Dodie asks.

"Um, I don't know, why?" A wicked grin spreads on her face, and I'm incredibly confused. "What is it?"

She can't stop grinning, which only makes me smile. "Okay, so, I kinda know they're manager. So, maybe I could speak to him, and maybe we could buy tickets to the show, and at the end, maybe he can arrange for us to meet Dan and Phil as they exit the stage. It would have to be where none of the fans can see us, because we don't want to spread anything, but, I dunno, it was just an idea." She sounds a little dejected at the end, but my smile only seems to be getting bigger.

"That's amazing!" I nearly shout, causing the grin to reappear on her face. "I'll look on the sight for tickets, and you text or call their manager."

She looks at me, and let's out a little squeal before going on her phone. As she's calling him, I go on the website. Luckily, the show's not sold out, and I purchase two tickets, right in the middle toward the front row. I would've bought front seat tickets, but I don't want Dan to know we're there until the end.

"Okay," Dodie claps her hands together. "He's totally down with it, thanks to my charming personality." I can't help but laugh. "So, about ten minutes before the end of the show, we'll have to leave the audience. We'll meet him in some hallway right by the entrance, and he'll bring us backstage."

"Ah! This is gonna be so fun!" I can't help but hop on my heels, excitement pumping through me.

"I know!" She shouts. "Ah!"

~~~~
Day 26: Amsterdam, Netherlands

The next few days feel like an eternity. Every conversation feels like stepping on eggshells, as I have to try with all my might to keep the secret. Luckily, I'm good at being sneaky, but I'm starting to worry about Dodie, as she's starting to avoid talking to Phil. She's only doing it to lower the chances of blurting it out, but according to Dan, Phil thinks she's mad at him, or something.