Playing With Fire || d.h

74. Diatribe

Hello I'm still experiencing secondhand star struck-ness bc one of my favorite people in the world PerfectHowell_ (she has an amazing fanfic, check it out) not only got to talk to Dan and Phil on their livestream, but also fucking WON their game of truth bombs. Okay, now back to regular programming, and I hope you enjoy 💜

The morning sun peaks over the horizon as I stumble down the pavement, my eyes dull and unfocused. I know I must look like a nightmare, but there's no one even outside right now, and I don't fucking care. The only thing I want right now is to be back home and in my own bed.

Walking into the apartment building, the fluorescent lights blind me, and my eyes remain half open as I wobble up the stairs, taking out my key, and unlocking the apartment door.

As I step into the apartment, everything is still and silent. I creep down the dark hallway, reaching the door at the end of it. A tiny peak of luminosity escapes from under the door, and I assume Dan must've fallen asleep with the light on.

"Where were you?" As I sneak into Dan's room, I realize he's still awake, standing by the edge of the bed. Shit.

Anxiety fills me, and even as I talk, I can hear myself slurring. "I...I told you, I went to a party at Macy's."

"(Y/n), it's four in the morning. You told me you were going to be back at midnight at the latest," he scoffs, walking toward me.

"I'm sorry, I...I lost track of time," I reply lamely, knowing damn well he's not going to fall for that.

"Until four in the morning?" He steps closer to me, now incredibly near my face, and is about to say something, when his nose wrinkles. "What's that smell?"

I rack my brain as hard as I can for an excuse, but Dan can instantly read the guilt written all over my face. "Why the bloody hell do you smell like weed?"

I try my best to look annoyed, rather than like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. "Because that's the environment my friends live in. Everything smells like weed."

He studies me deeply, and my heart skips a beat as his expression turns to a mixture of realization and anger. "You're fucking stoned right now," he growls in a low voice.

I narrow my eyes. "So, what? I was there, and it was the first time in forever! It's not going to kill me." My voice comes out slurred and muffled, mainly from the cotton mouth, which isn't really helping my case.

Dan scoffs, shaking his head. "Do you think I'm that fucking stupid? You had a fucking addiction, and don't think I haven't realized the shit you've been trying to sneak past me."

"What do you mean?" I instinctively lie, which only makes him more furious.

"God, damn it, (y/n)!" He takes a step backward, taking a deep breath, and adds, "I wasn't going to say anything, thinking you would tell me when you were ready. But instead, not only do you go back to drugs, but when I corner you, your first reaction is to fucking lie to me!"

"That's because I knew this is exactly how you would react!" I shout, my ears heating up. "You don't listen to me, you always think you're right! You're supposed to support me, not control my life!" I squeal, wringing my hands together. "You let me do my own thing, and support me through it."

He scoffs, giving me the urge to scream in frustration. "That's for when you choose a career, or decide on a new haircut, not when you try to ruin your own life!"

I roll my eyes, stomping my foot like a toddler. "I'm not trying to ruin my life, I'm trying to regain control of it!" I roar. "Everything's going fucking downhill, and I don't know what to do about it."

"Then you come to me for help!" He spits in my face, and I instinctively flinch back. His eyes soften for just a second, before turning back to ice. "All your friends are going to do is drag you back down."

"Macy's my best friend! She's the one person I had when my life was hell, and I'm not gonna let you talk about her as if she's some kind of...problem!"

"But don't you see it?" He exclaims, running his hands through his hair. "Yeah, she was good for you when you were young. But that part of your life is over, and you need to move on. She's pulling you back, and making you the person you used to be!" He sighs, then adds, "(Y/n), I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you need help."

Anger bubbles in my throat, and I instantly want to throw up. "I don't want help!" I spit. "'Help' never did shit, so I figured out how to stop the pain myself, and that's what I'm doing right now!"

"I don't fucking care!" His face turns red, and fear fills me as I realize this is the maddest I've ever seen him. "I don't fucking care, I can't fucking watch you do this to yourself!"

"Then I'll fucking leave!" I yell, stomping my foot. "This is who I am, and you're so fucking different, there's no way this could ever work."

Hurt slashes across Dan's face, and his tone softens just a bit. "Don't say that, please. I need you."

Tears brim my eyes, and I want nothing but to crawl into a ball and die. "You don't need me. No one does."

His eyes narrow, and as he takes a step toward me, I instinctively flinch. Pain envelopes his features, and I think he's finally gotten a grasp on how broken I really am. He then says, at a volume I can barely even hear, "When did things go so fucking wrong?"

I shake my head. "It was never good in the first place. I'm toxic, this would never work."

And just like that, Dan says something that breaks my heart into a million pieces. "Yeah, maybe you're right."

A tortured noise escapes my throat. I had always been the one to give up, but he always talked me out of it. I would always lash out, but I always thought Dan would never want to leave me. Seeing the other person do the same thing hurts more than anything.

"Dan..." I sob, taking a step toward him. However, he only turns around, facing the wall. "Dan, I'm sorry. I can change, I'll get help, I'll do whatever you want me to do. I need you." Regret ripples through me, and I realize I just made the worst mistake in my life.

He turns to me, and the fire in his eyes turns my stomach. "No, you won't. You twist my words, you don't listen to me, you don't want to get help. And you and I know better than anyone else that you can't fix yourself for someone else."

I know I should say something, but as his dark, dull eyes bore into me, my throat closes.

"(Y/n), you're right. I can't do this anymore...not with you."

A blizzard of words spin around my mind, and right now, the only thing I want to do is wrap my arms around him, and never let go. However, that makes no sense, as I was the one who made this happen.

"Okay..." I breathe. I stand behind Dan, hoping with every bone in my body that he turns around, tells me he doesn't mean it, that he'll give me another chance, that he'll forgive me. But I know well enough that that's not going to happen.

"Goodbye, Dan."

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PLOT TWIST: DO NOT WORRY THE STORY IS NOT OVER PLEASE DO NOT HATE ME.

The next chapter should be out in a few days, like Saturday or Sunday. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! See ya later 💜