Playing With Fire || d.h

21. PSA: She's Not Happy

A/N: I do not believe in the amount of recreational drug use represented in this chapter. However, I also do not believe in perfect characters, especially with this story. thanks for understanding, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. 💜

One week later

Your POV

I slouch at my desk, slurping from my massive mug of coffee. Since the nightmare at Dan and Phil's apartment, I've been petrified of falling asleep, resulting in me being exhausted 99% of the time. Of course PJ noticed, but I shut him down pretty quickly, and he hasn't tried to bring it up since. I'm also almost 100% sure that PJ snooped through my channel. It's pretty obvious every time he talks to me, it's as if he's stepping on eggshells, but I'm hoping that if I ignore it, it'll just go away.

Which is basically my attitude toward everything at the moment.

Obviously I've been ignoring the ongoing drama and comments about Dan and I, and so has everyone else. But I've also been ignoring everything going on with me mentally. Normally, I know that with these symptoms coming back, the first thing I should do is find a way to deal with it, whether it's starting therapy or scheduling a psychiatrist appointment. However, I don't want to do any of that until it's a last resort, mainly because I know if I started therapy, or started taking meds again, it would only open a whole other can of worms.

Even with sticking my symptoms in the back of my mind, they're becoming almost impossible to ignore. My anxiety and paranoia is always on edge, and I've stopped scrolling through Instagram, mainly because seeing other people's eventful lives makes me sink into an even deeper depression. Besides that, I'm basically at a baseline of feeling numb. My stomach sinks every time I get a text message from Dan or Phil, or PJ, or Dodie, but I'm also terrified of losing them. I've gone through random phases of not eating at all, to eating half my pantry in a matter of thirty minutes. I constantly have a headache, probably from dehydration, along with the overwhelming amount of coffee in my system twenty four hours a day. I've been ignoring PJ's calls, mainly because I'm petrified of what he'd think if he saw or heard me. My hairs greasy, and I'm sure I've gained weight. Also, due to being numb, I'm worried he'll realize he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and I'm scared that if I lose anyone, I'll actually hit rock bottom.

I've uploaded one video, about half the length of my normal videos, as well as about half the quality. I'm sure plenty of the comments would be about my downfall, but I don't have the motivation to even read through them.

Currently I'm at my desk, scrolling through Tumblr. However, I've just realized everything I've scrolled through over the last twenty minutes, I haven't actually read or comprehended. Not having anything better to do, I decide now's as good a time as any to check out my comments, since it's been over twenty four hours, so I'll have a pretty good mix of everything there is to expect.

Wow ur complete shit

Are dan and you not even gonna talk about this? That's the least you could do

What's going on? It's obvious you're relapsing

I read the comments, and am able to comprehend them, but they still have no meaning to me. I close my laptop and place my head on my desk, as I have no idea what to do. However, I realize I don't really want to do anything at all, except maybe sleep. However, this time, that's not even an option.

How do I start feeling again?

I'm not going back to therapy. I'm not starting on any medications again. However, there's still one foolproof way that I've used. And I know just who I need to see to get it.