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Chapter 32

"Marco, calm down."

I want him to calm down because he is so intense to know what is wrong with me. "I need your answer. Please, tell me. So I can calm down."

Tumango ako. Nag iisip ako kung sasabihin ko ba ang totoo or mag iiba ako ng dahilan. Hindi ko din alam paano ko ba sisimulan sa kanya. Hindi ako handa. 

Nakatingin lang siya sakin nag iintay ng sasabihin ko. Nag iisip pa ako sa utak ko ng sasabihin.

"What? Tell me now."

"I want to end our connection." Kumunot ang noo niya sakin. "What do you mean end? We're good naman. Is this because of the issue? I'm sorry, love."

Umiling ako. "Let's stop seeing each other. I don't want to continue our relationship if this is called relationship, Marco. I don't want you anymore in my life."

Kita ko kung paano lumambot ang expression niya kaya ako umiwas ng tingin. I can't look at him again now that I can see his teary eyes. 

"N-no, I.. I dont' want to. Let's talk about this, love. You want to cool down, okay but please. I don't want to end this." His voice crack. Then he hug me.

Tinatry kong alisin ang pagkakayakap niya sakin. "We have to. It's for your own sake, Marco. Let's just trust destiny, if we are really for each other then we'll see each other again in the future." Ramdam ko ang pag iling niya.

"Fuck destiny. I don't want that." Umiling ako nag pupumiglas pa din sa yakap niya. "We are for each other so why not we continue this relationship now. We can do this. I don't want to us to stop seeing each other. If.. if you want label then I'll be your boyfriend or.. or.. I'll court you. Just don't leave me, love. I can't."

Ramdam ko ang pag patak ng luha niya sa balikat ko. Hindi ko kayang makita siyang umiiyak kaya iniwas ko ang ulo ko sa kanilang side. Ayokong lumambot dahil lang sa pag iyak niya. 

Mahirap din naman ito para sakin. This is my weakness. Damn it! I have to do this paulit ulit kong sabi sa isip ko.

He tried to make me look at him. "No, no... That's not my reason. Let's just end this right now. Ayoko na."

He hold my hand. His hands are getting cold. "Tell me why? I want a good reason," Hindi ako nagsalita. I don't know what to say.

"Please, tell me love. I can't do this. I want to be with you. I want you."

He tried again to make me look at him ngunit iniwas ko ang muka ko sa kanya. Hindi ko siya kayang tignan. 

"Look at me." Hindi ako nagsalita o gumalaw. Hinayaan ko na din siyang nakayakap sakin. "Was last night unvoluntary? I'm sorry, love. Am I too fast? I'm sorry. Please stay."

Hearing him begging for me to stay is really breaking my heart. I don't want us to be like this but I don't have choice. He is begging for reasons but I can't tell him about his mom confronting me. He might get mad at them. I know him.

"Please, love. I'm begging you."

Inalis ko ang pagkakayakap niya ngunit hindi ko binibitawan ang kamay niya. Nilingon ko siya gamit ang lahat ng lakas ko. 

"I love you so much but sometimes love isn't enough. We need to grow separately. I'll trust the destiny for us. Come back to me when you're international known... that is.. if you still want me."

Thinking of him being with others breaks my heart. Kung pagkalipas ng ilang taon ay hindi na siya babalik sakin, i'll accept everything. I can admire and love him from afar. 

Kung ikakasal man siya sa iba. I'll be happy for him. Best wishes. Wala din namang kasiguraduhan itong decision ko ngayon kaya kung anong ibigay ng tadhana.

"I promise you, you're the only boy I truly love so I am willing to wait, Marco. Kung taon man yan at mahal mo pa din ako."

Hindi ko na pinigilan ang sarili ko sa pag iyak. Pinunasan naman niya ang aking pisnge.

"Don't tell me this good bye words. I don't want us to separate. I love you so much. I need you." Sinandal niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko. Hinayaan ko naman ang sarili kong yakapin siya.

"We have to. You have to. I will remain your number one fan." I hug him so tight.

This is the only good bye that I don't want to end. "I love you so much." I kiss his cheeks bago ko siya iwanan sa parking lot na iyon. 

Rinig ko ang pagtawag niya sakin ngunit hindi ko siya nilingon. Alam ko sa sarili ko na mag babago ang isip ko pag nilingon ko siya. Hindi ko alam kung saan na ako pupunta ngayon basta lakad lang ako ng lakad. 

Diretso ako sa kwarto pag uwi. Hindi ko na inintay si Kuya James na alam kong may bb time pa. Walang may alam sa nangyari. I just message my friends to meet me at our favorite bar.

I didn't wear any particular sexy dress just a simple dress that will let me in. I asked for a VIP room and they gave it to me dahil kilala na din kami dito.

"Give me the strongest alcohol you have." Ani ko sa waiter bago ako iwan.

Minessage ko sila na nandito na ako sa VIP room, puntahan na lamang nila ako. Dumating ang inorder ko kasunod ng mga kaibigan.

"What happen? You look so messy." Ani Khyle. Sila lamang ni Mary ang nandito. Himala but mas better kaysa nandito si kuya.

I look at Mary as I am drinking my alcohol. "Are you good with my brother now?" Tumango naman siya sakin. "Don't change the topic, Jelai. What happen?" Pag ulit ni Khyle.

"I already told him that we should stop seeing each other." I pour at my glass then straight drink it.

I saw how my two friends look shock. They quickly hug me. "You can cry if you want." I giggled.

"I already cry a lot this past few weeks at kanina. Pagod na ko." Kita ko ang pag aalala sa mga mata nila. I role my eyes. "Just let me drink please. I don't have anything to do anymore."

And yes! They let me. Kalhati na ng bote ang naiinom ko at alam kong tinamaan na ako nuon dahil nag dadalawa na sila sa mata ko. Hindi na din nag fofocus ang mata ko. I don't really drink this much so I'm still new to this feeling.

"Fuck my life!" I yelled then drink from my glass. "Don't be like me. Ang duwag ko ipaglaban ang relasyon namin.. pero para sa kanya din naman iyong ginawa ko.. Ahh! I hate myself! Fuck!"

Mary looks at me. "Don't say that. It's what you called sacrifice. When it paid off you'll realize that you made the right decision." I just nodded at her. Tama din naman siya.

"She's already drunk, Mary. Let her. Tawagan na kaya natin si Kuya james at lasing na yan. We need help." It was Khyle.

"She need to go home. This place is not a good idea. We also need to go home. It's already midnight." Rinig kong ani Mary bago bumagsak ang katawan ko sa sofa. Nakakapagod.

I heard them but I just giggled. I'm lucky to have them.

I continue drinking. Alam kong lasing na ako dahil ang sunod ko ng alam ay nandito na si kuya james. Kasama si Marco? I think I'm hallucinating. Gawa lang siguro ng alak kaya ko siya nakikita. I don't know anymore. I just giggled at my own thoughts.

"Oh gosh!" I said to myself bago tumawa. Ano ba yan self.

Pumikit na lamang ako. Nagising na lang ako at umaga na. Maliwanag na ang paligid ko. I don't know what happened last night and my head hurts.