conversations // prinxiety ✔

♥ 6 - perfect ♥

I sat down at my usual spot next to Patton.

It was a suspiciously perfect next couple of weeks. It felt like someone finally loved me. And I didn't read the book as if it were a drug, I read it as a way to cheer me up.

Because now it was mostly Patton talking about me.

Patton: He's so cute!

Patton: It's almost his birthday! What should we do to celebrate?

Ohhhhh. My birthday is tomorrow.

Oops, must've missed that.

Nobody really celebrated my birthday. Like, ever. But I guess he actually cares? It's so weird to finally say someone cares about me. It's the greatest feeling in the world - knowing that you mean something to somebody.

Logan placed a cup of juice in front of everyone and started whispering with Roman. Since when did they have secrets together?

Patton's was the only one that had ice in it, probably because Logan knew Patton couldn't stand juice without ice for some reason, but he wasn't thirsty, so he talked to me and drank it about an hour later.

"I'm going to go to my room," I told him.

"Okay, bye Virgil!" He kissed my cheek before letting me leave.

♥

I walked into the kitchen at 2 in the morning to steal Roman's cereal before I heard a voice say my name.

My real name.

"Yeah, Patton? What's up?" I replied.

He looked at me and grimaced. "I don't think we can be together anymore."

"...what?" This is all just a big joke. But... Patton wouldn't do that to me... would he?

"I don't know what happened, but I just like you as a friend. Well, I guess... Less than a friend. More like a pretty good acquaintance. I don't know how, but I've fallen... like, out of love with you." He looked up at me with almost no emotion on his face.

"Is this some weird dream?" I mumbled.

"I'm sorry," he said, before he left me alone and turned off the light.

And I heard a loud pounding and my heart was beating rapidly, my breathing was shaky, I couldn't stand, so I fell and curled up in a ball on the floor, trying to keep myself together.

It failed, because this time, he wasn't here for me.

I had gotten nine minutes of sleep that night.

And in the morning, at breakfast, I avoided eye contact with everyone else, grabbed a tub of ice cream from the fridge, and ran back to my room faster than I'd ever had before.

My hair was messy, I was wearing a shirt that was way too big for me, gray sweatpants, and my makeup was smudged from crying.

"Anxiety, wait!" Logan called.

"I don't want to be around anyone right now!" I growled.

And that was the first birthday present I'd ever received in my life. Humiliation and heartbreak.

♥

It had been three hours since I ran out of the kitchen with the tube of ice cream and I was staring at my blank ceiling.

I'd been staring at that ceiling for two hours straight.

Because what else was there to do?

I embarrassed myself.

And I heard a knock on my door.

"Who the fuck is it?! I don't want to see anybody right now!" My voice was croaky.

"It's Thomas..." the voice from the other side of the door said. "Can I come in?"

"Are you going to make fun of me and/or trick me into liking you when you never liked me to begin with?"

"...no? Of course not. What's wrong?"

I broke down and started crying and hyperventilating again. "I'm sick of people hating me."

"I don't hate you, Anxiety."

"Yes you do, I know you do. Everybody does!"

"Not Patton. He doesn't hate you."

"Oh yeah, sure. Sure." His name made me wince. "Don't talk about him."

"...tell me every reason you're upset."

"All ten million of them?"

"If you want."

"...okay. But I'm not going to trust you. Don't think being nice to me will get you anything. And if you tell the others, I'll fucking murder you."

I used my powers to unlock the door, not wanting to get up.

"Anxiety, there are at least five empty tissue boxes in here... I didn't know you could be..."

"Sad? Anxious? Heartbroken? Yeah, nobody does. Because nobody gives a shit about me." My hands curled into fists as I sifted around for the book.

He didn't have a response and it was silent for a long, long time. "What are you looking for?"

He just ignored my emotions. Well, at least it's not the first time. "A thing that you don't know about." I pulled the book out and he raised his eyebrows.

"What's in it?"

"Every conversation ever had about me. Only Patton knew about it, and now you. So if you tell, I'll never leave my room again and you'll be living without me, just like you've always wanted."

I handed it to him. "Have fun reading what I've been reading for years now. And have fun feeling like shit like I've felt for about forever."

♥

"Anxiety, I'm so sorry."

"That's what Patton said too. And look how I ended up now. Don't replay it all."

"What even happened between you and him? You keep bringing him up, like he was your boyfriend or something."

I pursed my lips and grabbed my seventh tissue box.

"Oh... I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. It's my fault I'm such a fucking loser and it's my fault I believed that he cared about me."

"You're not! Really, you're not!"

"Pssh. Yeah, right. Every day is hell for me. And it's because I'm Anxiety. Of course people don't like me. Before you say the others like me, remember what I just showed you in the book."

♥

It was four hours since Thomas left and I was staring at my ceiling again. I heard Patton giggling from downstairs and it made my heart race and a smile almost appeared on my face.

God, that bitch. Making me feel stuff.

He sounded so... okay. Not nearly as hurt as I was.

It was like he forgot about everything we shared. It was like I didn't exist.